Back to the salt mine

6 Dec

I am going back to my day job today.  I have been home since late October…it’s been a while.

Normal people might have been a little down by being benched for weeks from having a bad-ass surgery.  I, apparently, am not normal people.  It has been glorious.  Every morning I have felt like Snow White waking up with chirping birds and a bastion of dwarves doing her bidding.  It has been like getting in the Hot Tub Time Machine and going back to college they way I had always hoped it would be.  Friends have brought meals, I’ve had a steady supply of muscle relaxers and pain pills, all expectations were removed, and there’s been no exams to take nor classes to attend.  I went days without a shower and no one said a word about it.   But the best part of all?  A new pair of AA batteries in the remote control and a dual tuner DVR.  Oh, hell yes.

Say what you will, but Reality TV is chicken soup for the soul.  It makes me feel important, smart, sexy, thin and proactive.  I have been inspired to clean my home; after the first episode of A&E’s Hoarders I ever saw, I was whistling Dixie and merrily tossing everything out of my refrigerator except the box of baking soda.  Then I got my kids hooked on it.  My daughter’s room has gone from Junkyard Vomit to Institutional Chic.  However, it’s just made my son smug and judgmental that his room isn’t as bad as Augustine’s house (season 2, episode 7).  I am still looking for the show that really speaks to him; he’s only nine.  We have time.

During this special time with my tv, I have gotten to know Hoarder’s rip-off: TLC’s Hoarding: Buried Alive.  I prefer the former, mainly because TLC’s programming unnerves me.  That said, let’s go there.  Does TLC stand for The Loser Channel?  Oh. My. God.  In the same way that The History Channel’s tagline should be “All Hitler, All the Time”, TLC’s should read “Be an Awful Bride Then Spend the Rest of Your Life Punishing Your Uterus”.  This network’s weekday mission is mostly dedicated to buying wedding dresses, pregnancies with multiple births and associated macabre issues.  We can singlehandedly thank TLC for assaulting us with the likes of the Duggar Family, douche bag duo Jon and Kate Gosselin and now that cluster of estrogen and kids, Sister Wives.  There is a show called Pregnant and 70.  It made my cervix hurl.  There’s another one called Paralyzed and Pregnant.  Um, I am less curious about the awkwardness of a paralyzed pregnancy and more interested in that baby-Daddy.  There is a whole dedicated series called I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.  Can you guess what its about?  It should be called “I’m a Dumbass” or better yet, “My Parents Failed”.

This is what an angry uterus looks like.

My hard candy exterior wants to come off as intellectual and highbrow, but my gooey center is pure trash.  I’m off the pills now, back to driving and have taken a lingering look at the cultural sty where I’ve been wallowing.  I have winced so much that the casual observer could have mistaken me for having Parkinson’s Disease.   But now I’m ready for some of my down time habits to graduate.  Going forward, I promise to stay friends with soap. I am going to put some distance between me and Baby (you remember my Snuggie).  I will do my best to stay awake at the dinner table.  And now that I am all growed up, I’ll always keep a cache of fresh batteries on hand.

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One Response to “Back to the salt mine”

  1. Shannon Morris December 6, 2010 at 3:39 pm #

    I totally agree with your views about TLC and their programming. It is ridiculous. Now- have you seen the show SNAPPED on Oxygen? It’s all about how these women SNAPPED and killed their husbands…and got caught. I can just see all of these miserable housewives, sitting at home watching a SNAPPED marathon- getting great ideas on how THEY are gonna kill THEIR husbands and not make the same stupid mistakes these gals on the show did. It freaks me out. But don’t get me wrong- I love me some reality TV. I cannot live without Tori & Dean.

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