Fascination Street

7 Dec

The Merriam-Webster website has a list of words that rhyme with fascinating. Here they are: aggravating, calculating, carbon dating, maid-in-waiting, nauseating, open dating, operating, penetrating, suffocating, titillating. I kid you not.

Serious journalist Barbara Walters

Do you know what makes me itchy and sad? Well, I guess that’s an open-ended question that I could spend all day snowballing into some great answers, so I’ll just throw something out there: Old people trying to be down with the kids. Let me narrow it a bit further. Barbara Walters has been pimping her upcoming “10 Most Fascinating People of 2010” special like it’s some some prize virgin on a Bangkok party boat. It airs on 9 December on ABC at 10pm, just after her Oprah fest.  This news has me reaching for the Cortizone cream. It’s always so droll. Even though Babs likes to keep a guest or two under cloak and dagger for a big, shocking finish at the end of her “special”, she has already disclosed eight of the people who have captivated her this year. Let’s discuss. Among Ms. Walters guests this year are:

Justin Bieber. I’ve read that she gets him to show her some dance moves. Oh, how exciting! How riveting! I hope we get to see her break a hip. I have children ages 9 and 12 who think that he is THE punch-line to fart jokes. I’m sure in real life he’s a real cutie-patootie, but fascinating? Like, for reals?

Jersey Shore cast member close up

The Jersey Shore cast. Shut the front door! The fact that they are referred to as a cast tells me all I need to know about the scripting of that show. I personally am far more amazed than fascinated by this carotene colored sensation. How do these jack wagons have nicer cars that me? I mean, I finished college, don’t have a probation officer and have never been on Valtrex.

Sarah Palin. At some point between Tina Fey’s spot-on impersonation and Barak Obama’s Presidential win, we were all supposed to dismiss her as a kinda kooky cartoon character of herself. I admit that I still would love to go gut a bear over a cup of hot tea with her.

LeBron James The only way that I could care less about him is if he were a professional athlete. Who is he?

Kate Middleton. What has she gotten herself into? Kate, if you are reading this; call me. I love a good wedding reception.

Looking fresh

Jennifer Lopez Where has her ass been? Literally. Years ago she became famous for having a huge trunk and wearing “that dress” to an awards show. She was a fly girl, an actress and a marginal auto-tuned singer. Then she carried Ben Affleck around in her purse like a chihuahua. And she married that dancer. Or was that before Ben? Then she married Skeletor and so on. Now she is helming the sinking ship, American Idol. So what, she’s just Jenny from the Block?

Sandra Bulloch. So Sandy married porn drenched, tatty McTat-tat Jessie James and he turns out to be a dirt bag just days after giving the moist eye during her Oscar acceptance speech. And they just bought a baby. Okay, I’m mildly curious what that’s all about.

Same old bump and grind

Betty White. Walters has already leaked that Betty White “still wants to have sex”. Gaaad. Why do I need to know this? She’s sparkly and old. I get it. Some old people are cute, especially when they say things that are naughty. Her resurgence has been fueled primarily by a Facebook campaign to get her on SNL. Come to think of it…I’d like to be on SNL. Anyone? Anyone?

This brings me to THE question: Who can the other two possibly be? The overexposed enough Lady Gaga? Country fairy Taylor Swift? Angry black man Kanye West? Snooze inducing Tiger Woods? James Cameron’s creepy Avatar? Lindsey Lohan or Charlie Sheen to represent the re-hab set? Mark Zuckerberg? Who are your dark horse bets?

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