Barbara Walters’ snooze fest

10 Dec

Barbara should get an award.

Did you wet your pants?  Did you drool on your shoulder from the snooze fest that was Barbara Walter’s 10 Most Fascinating People of 2010?  If you missed it and your DVR flaked out don’t fret.  Let the recap begin:

“The year Betty White felt the love.”  Even Betty admits that’s she’s been over-exposed.  She loves animals more than people.  Barbara asked her THAT sex question to a woman who is 88 ¾.  As in, wanting to know if Betty still drags out the Fredrick’s of Hollywood pasties and cat of nine tails.  It’s just so undignified…and who, exactly, is fascinated by the answer?

Mark Zuckerberg.  Damn, I called it.  Holla to me!  Described as “Just another college student who couldn’t get a date”, was about as much editorial as we got.  Um, what the hell happened?  She didn’t actually interview him.  Not in person, on the phone, the internets or Pony Express.  She gobbled on about his Facebook profile and strung together clips from the Social Network, Oprah’s show and stock photos.  I learned absolutely zip.

“Baby, baby, baby; you have Bieber Fever!”  Always hard-hitting, Barbara asked the Pubescent wunderkind, Justin Bieber, about when he was going to cut his hair, how his mom grounds him and then she really went for it by asking “If you were going to write an autobiographical song about your life right now, what would you call it?”  Digging deep, Babs.  Thank the Lord that bits of this interview leaked earlier in the week were edited out.  In particular, there had been a creepy interrogation about his budding sex life and probing questions about a snapshot of him making out with a girl.  It made me more uncomfortable that be over-hugged by an old man.

Snookie, from The Jersey Shore said, “When I see Barbara Walters, I’m like ‘Oh my God’, this is like Elvis.”  For a group of hooligans, their interview was b.o.r.i.n.g.  and devoid of fist pumps and wardrobe malfunctions.

Sandra Bullock garnered the fascination moniker “for humor and grace in the face of adversity”.  I think she’s a hoot and I’d love to do lunch with her (call me, Sandy!), but I must have nodded off and missed when Barbara delved into the sideshow that I wanted to hear about: THE DIVORCE.  I want to have that hot mess laid out and explained to me.

“Jennifer is the first A list, fashion icon, red-carpet-movie-star to ever be a judge on American Idol.”  That narrows the field.  She doesn’t want to be mean to people.  But, that’s why I watch American Idol.  I guess I can thank her for letting me know what I already suspected; it’s going to be dull.  Babs amputated two of her marriages and seemed to just talk about what she was contractually allowed to.  But then she socked her with the crazy, outlandish question “where do you see yourself in ten years?” and JLO was all pensive and surprised by it.  I guess she can act, after all.

LeBron James got the Zuckerberg treatment.  Just a bunch of Barbara’s white noise chatter over other people’s work.

Poor Kate Middleton basically got skewered for getting the Prince.  It was laid out as though she devised a crafty Princess formula that includes being fancy, sucking up, looking hot, not having a serious job, losing your individual identity and keeping her mouth shut for nine years.  Then Babs went on to describe bad marriage choices and unhappy endings that hint at forsaking true love for duty.  It was weird.  Mazel tov!

Why did Barbara keep calling Sarah Palin Governor?  I love how Barbara managed to throw Katie Couric, fellow journalist and public endoscopy recipient, under the bus for exposing Palin as an illiterate hick.  Meow.  Palin then called out some anonymous Republicans as being “impotent and limp and (they are) weak”, hiding behind skirts.  Woof woof.

And drum roll for the mostest fascinating person???  General David Petraeus.  When we discussed it ad nauseam one night, Big Daddy totally gave me the side eye when I suggested he would be THE super secret fascinator.  She made him warm and fuzzy: a People’s General.  Really?!

By far, the most fascinating thing about this “special” was Barbara herself.  I know that she’s old.  I know she had heart surgery over the summer.  But she looked like she had been spackled in Mortician’s Wax and glossed in silicone.  The only thing that moved on her was the mouth.

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