D’ya want fries with that?

15 Dec

I don’t really like to eat fast food that often.  This has next to nothing to do with my lofty nutrition goals or a stance against the evil, corporate food empire.  The truth is that my body chemistry changes, if you know what I mean, and it’s just not worth the hassle.  Intestinal assault aside, I especially avoid the Wendy’s by my house.  It is stuck in a filthy time warp, from when all the burger chains hired exclusively from the local “alternative school”.  The last time I tried going, it had rained and there were buckets everywhere to catch the leaks inside.  Never again, I said.  But I am an optimist and a sucker for suggestion.  Enter Wendy’s new push for their “Natural-Cut Fries with Sea Salt”.  Their Chief Marketing Officer, Ken Calwel, gushed, “We want every ingredient to be a simple ingredient, to be one you can pronounce and one your grandmother would recognize in her pantry”.  I don’t ever recall Grandmother Winnie or Grandmother Hall having a big box of Sel de Mer in her kitchen.   Potatoes…yes.  Sea Salt…no.  Whatever.

The deal is that the new and improved fries are seasoned with sea salt and are “natural cut”.  I ‘spose it’s preferable to “fake cut”.  That is, if I knew what the difference is.  I guess it must balance the bad rap of French fries to be described as natural. Oh, and the other thing?  They have been described as tasting more like potatoes.  What in the h-e-double hockey sticks did they taste more like before this?  My first attempt at getting my mouth around these new babies was foiled by the aforementioned time warp.  While the press release had already been out a while, it would seem that “my” Wendy’s hadn’t used up all of their old bags of frozen freezer-burned fries yet, so I was s.o.l.  But if you don’t succeed at first, try again.  Deuce was the pay dirt.  My God!  Hot damn!  They were hot, al dente and had a perfect smattering of salt crystals.  They were neither too greasy nor too dry.  The bits of left on potato skin looked so rustic and good for me.  I thought that I could be on to something lasting with my neighborhood Wendy’s.  Then, a few days later when I went back in for dibs, this happened:

W h a t   a n   e p i c   f a i l !

Strike 1 – I ordered the mystical fries and a strawberry soda through some malfunctioning auto-tuned box.  All I understood is that apparently no one else in my area likes scrawberry flavored drink except me, so they no longer sell it.  I had to accept plan B…Diet Coke.  It’s like ordering a nice zinfandel and being told you’ll have to drink chardonnay.

Strike 2 – One of the MENSA employees apparently dumped the mop bucket out of the back door last night because it was too damn cold for him/her to roll it over to the bushes.  Hey, overachieving assistant manager-in-training, guess what happens to water when it’s really cold outside and you dump it on really cold pavement?  Spoiler alert.  So, there was a frozen mopsicle river bisecting the lane between the ordering station and the pay window.  I slid up to pay and then did a lot of waiting.  Perhaps they could have used some of that new sea salt on the asphalt?

Strike 3 – And this is the cruelest…I waited and waited for fries that were not only oily and, dare I say, flaccid, but the amount of Sea Salt was staggering. When I looked in the bag, it was like a cardboard sleeve full of  kush was winking back at me.  Limp, salty fries have lost me at hello again.  It’s for the best.  Really.

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6 Responses to “D’ya want fries with that?”

  1. Laurel Spatz December 15, 2010 at 2:13 pm #

    Strawberry soda? I would say something snide but occasionally I get a yen for grape Crush or, even better, Grapico.

    • Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! December 15, 2010 at 2:28 pm #

      I almost included it with secret shames, because Greg pretends he doesn’t know me when I get any Fanta other than orange. I didn’t think that Grape Crush made it below South Carolina.

  2. Tracy Wilson December 15, 2010 at 2:32 pm #

    I think you need to give up on the “fruit” flavored soft drinks until the United States FINALLY gets Lemon Fanta. Why don’t you use your blog to start a petition to Coke? 🙂

  3. Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! December 15, 2010 at 8:55 pm #

    Scrawberry is for dining out. We serve Purple Drink at home.

  4. Tracy December 18, 2010 at 5:56 am #

    Hot Damn cousin Charlotte Ann!! I loved reading your blog. I read the whole damn thing and signed up for more.. You roll girl…..you inspire me to blog my own crazy-ass ( and I men that in the best way) take on the world. LOVE YOU!!!

    • Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! December 18, 2010 at 12:14 pm #

      I heart you back! I’m still amazed that anyone thinks the tumbleweeds in my head are remotely interesting, but people are actually reading it. Go figure. You didn’t show up on the subscriptions, try again. Are you going to be headed this way any time soon?

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