Ho! Ho! Hol!day

16 Dec

There is a “new” Charlie Brown Christmas special and it is awful.  Okay, truthfully, I had to tap out once I heard the wonky voices and I didn’t actually watch more than five minutes.  Only the Charlie Brown voice even sounded remotely like what I was expecting and that was just too weird for me.  I’m a purist.  But my children, who have very low standards, have watched it twice.  From what I can tell, it’s so bad that Snoopy’s brother, Spike, and Linus’ brother, ReRun, have key roles.  It’s like Cousin Oliver all over again.

It's actually for sale

But, it made me think about the original, beloved Peanuts Christmas Special.  It came on once a year and had me craving Dolly Madison pies and wanting to get MetLife the next day.  In the event that your brain fog is that thick and needs a refresher, Charlie Brown is in a funk because he feels like the real meaning of Christmas is so engulfed by commercialism that it has been lost under tinsel, social engagements and frivolous spending.  Check, check and check.

There is a whole lot of pressure associated with getting “in the spirit” of Christmas.

What does that electric bill look like?

To begin, you have to re-decorate your house inside and out, lest you be called out as being Scroogy.  This irritates me because I have everything where I want it already and the blood red/kelly green color combo. doesn’t match any of it.  I do it though.  Boxes upon boxes of themey crap get moved around between the attic and the rest of the house.  And I cuss all the way through until I am still vacuuming pine needles out of the rug fringe in April and discovering a looked-over snowflake hand towel in the powder room.  Outside, I do the bare minimum.  Different wreath, balls in a tree and some light up presents.  Oh, and the blow-up Snoopy as the Red Baron.  That’s it.  That’s where I absolutely draw the line.  There is a nameless house, not too far from mine, that actually has a forest of blow up creations staked to the yard.  It’s weird.  I may have to drop a note in their mailbox this year.  Scroogy.

Guess who!

Yesterday afternoon in the carpool line at my children’s school I was wedged between two SUVs that were masquerading as reindeer.  I was not fooled, by the way.  Why are people dressing up their cars?  WTF is up with this?

Say cheese!

Then there is the garish theme dressing that people feel obligated to participate in during any holiday season.  Christmas gets the worst of it and the Christmas Sweater has actually spawned parties devoted exclusively to it.  Because of this campy attention, many have smugly eschewed the sweaters in favor of Ho!Ho! Ho! ties, socks festooned with garlands, necklaces with blinking lights and headbands with soft antlers attached, to name a few of the available options.  I don’t care how subtle your theme-wear is.  If you aren’t a pre-school teacher, a pre-pubescent child or working at the Santa photo stall at the mall, I implore you give it up and move on.

Why can’t Christmas just be about wearing pajamas and eating breakfast casseroles all day long?  I wish it could be about watching a marathon of favorite t.v. episodes, napping (hey, you’d already be in pajamas), playing games and looking through new books without anyone hassling you.  And then at some point, maybe around, 9pm, getting dressed and going to someone else’s house to loaf around and spread cheer.  The next day,when it has passed, all you have to do is just put away the pillows, fold up all the blankets from the indoor fort, run the dishwasher and hit the sales.  What a gift!


3 Responses to “Ho! Ho! Hol!day”

  1. Laurel December 16, 2010 at 6:12 pm #

    Christmas should definitely be about pajamas.

    BUT. If everyone suddenly realized that Christmas themed sweaters are, well, ill-advised, Cracker Barrel’s stock could nosedive. Their fashion department does a booming business in holiday attire, from what I can tell.

    • Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! December 16, 2010 at 6:34 pm #

      I believe they are also the go-to retailer for elasticized Granny bonnets and little sachet envelops to keep it all smelling fresh.

  2. Claire-ish December 29, 2010 at 7:28 pm #

    That damned blow up house is very close to me. I drive by it 4-5 times a day. I hate it. HATE. IT. I think we are witnessing a very well-developed psychosis on a lawn.

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