Hot Mess Mutha

28 Dec

Ever since experiencing the miracle of childbirth, I have changed many of my ways.  Some things are subtle, slight and some are more apparent.  Over night I became very sensitive to poverty and seeing children who are cold and hungry.  I am now far more patient than pre-baby me when I see someone randomly falling apart…you just don’t know what kind of day they’ve had.  I also abandoned a pretty spontaneous lifestyle in favor of an almost rigid predictability for years when the children were younger.  I even nostril-bubble cry whenever I see an adoption reunion show or an e.p.t. commercial (though that one, because I am thankful it’s someone else.)  Another emotional adjustment I am becoming more and more aware of is how I have grown empathetic to a particular mother of the silver screen.

Mother of the year and personal mentor

Yesterday we took Snakebite and Hall out to lunch at a cutesy (code for cha-ching $$$) lunch spot in Midtown.  Greg suggested that being 13 now, it might be time for Margaret to cease ordering from the kids’ menu…and gulp, she agreed.  Victory comes when you are least expecting it.  She settled on a grilled BLT and was even borderline excited when I told her that this sandwich is a Southern culinary treasure (even in December thanks to commerce and all).  It was an $8 sandwich, and it was just lovely.  All golden, with sear marks toasted on top, fringed by fertile lettuce with a bit of firm tomato and scads of thick, crisp bacon peeking out of every plane.  “Eeew, I’m not eating that!  It looks like snot!”  Said Snakebite, “You know I hate mayonnaise!”  We didn’t know.  But we should have guessed.  Victory averted.  As she was staunchly refusing to eat anything but the potato chips, I kept thinking this: I totally get Joan Crawford.  I think that Joan has been largely misunderstood as being a bit of a psycho mess.  Remember that scene in Mommy Dearest when Christina refused to eat that delicious rare filet that Cook had prepared for her?  Joan sent her to bed with it and then put it out on a plate for breakfast the next morning.  Due to Christina’s refusal to open her mouth and just eat the damn thing, it appeared again for several more meals until it got kinda gross and white.  Whose fault was this?  As a kid when I saw that movie, I thought Joan was being crazy and unreasonable.  I now know that she was making a respectful point about waste.  Because of my evolved empathy, I now get what an ingrate ‘Tina really was.  Writing that awful book about her well-intentioned Momma only proved it years later.  And Joan’s indignity at the way those children kept their bathroom, and their carelessness with the beautiful clothes that she bought them?  “No wire hangers!  Ever!”  I get that too.  It takes a lot of money, time and effort to have and take care of nice things.  Further, I endorse Joan’s brilliant policy to give away most of the birthday gifts.  All those toys take up way too much real estate when your fleet of fur coats needs a safe closet to nestle in.

Just say "No" to these


8 Responses to “Hot Mess Mutha”

  1. Laurel December 28, 2010 at 2:25 pm #

    I think you might be right. Although I’m in Margaret’s corner on the mayo. Absolutely not.

  2. katie December 28, 2010 at 4:04 pm #

    Was it Duke’s mayo? If you recall, Greg has a problem with Duke’s as well.

    Favoite post thus far!

  3. kathryn December 28, 2010 at 5:06 pm #

    Amen Sister…
    Pre-children, I would see moms & dads yelling at kids in the mall and think “my God what awful parents” and keep an eye out for signs of abuse. Now I judge the kids and feel sorry for the yelling parent and all their frustration.
    Peace out
    From One Mutha to Anutha

  4. Tracy Wilson December 28, 2010 at 6:44 pm #

    I agree with Kathryn…
    Never thought of it, but am in the corner with you and Joan. We are not the bad mothers we all thought Joan Crawford was when we saw Mommy Dearest. We are caring people who gave birth to these creatures and we are doing the best we can to teach them life lessons. Our children are great and we can just hope they all don’t write a book or screen play about us or our lives.


  5. Sharon Y December 28, 2010 at 8:20 pm #

    As a small child I too had a hamburger placed before me for 4 hours until I ate the congealed ground mess. Never to skip a morsel again I’m afraid! Now that i am a Mom it is not beneath me to utter the words in public to my child – ” I am NOT afraid to embarrass you in Public – so behave or else”!

  6. Jennifer December 29, 2010 at 12:21 am #

    I LOVE the first picture. Great post!

  7. Kym Marie January 3, 2011 at 4:57 pm #

    I paused at “Mayo”….nnaise …. Eat up Magaret!! Sincerely just reading how wonderful you described the sandwich makes my mouth water and I wish I had the matabilism of Margaret!

  8. Karen September 30, 2012 at 6:58 am #

    Brilliant defense of an obviously evolved, caring Mother…and don’t we all rethink our opinions of Mommy Dearest…I can’t wait until my little angels are grown and I find out all the ways that I have scarred them!

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