Who’d a thunk it?

27 Jan

Since I’ve been busy with being out of town and the ensuing laundry avalanche that follows, I haven’t really been all that up on what’s new in the world.  I took a cursory glance just a bit ago and about choked on my own tongue.  Geri Jewell is on the cusp of a book release set for this April.  Geri effing Jewell.  Let’s just take a minute and make sure we’re on the same page here.

Identical cousins Geri and Blair

Yep, that’s the one; Blair’s cousin with Cerebral Palsy on The Facts of Life.  It’s called I’m Walking As Straight As I Can.  It capitalizes on Geri’s medical condition and, spoiler alert, being a lesbian.  Of course it does.  All poised to open up my can of sarcastic whoop-ass, I of course did my due diligence to back up my rant.  Folks, I have a motto that colors my life and it is this: Rumor is just as good as fact.  With that in mind, I use Wikipedia for all of my best fact checking.  You can’t imagine my disappointment upon discovering that Geri actually has a pretty dope resume.  Her IMDB stuff is legit and she’s had some consulting gigs with some pretty bad-ass agencies, like the C.I.A., U.S. Army et. al.  Go figure.

Okay, so Geri, it turns out, may actually have a few facets to her story, but I can still gripe about the cheap shot of exploiting being gay for the sake of a sensational double entendre book title.  And all that other stuff she’s done…who knew about it?  She is still Blair’s cousin to me.  End of story.

But there has certainly been no shortage of vapid, do nothings who’ve gotten published, which is all the more astonishing when you pause to consider that John Kennedy Toole actually killed himself because his oeuvre, A Confederacy of Dunces, was continually rejected.  Can you imagine?

Geri isn’t the only Facts of Lifer who has cashed in on a past glory.  Geri’s cousin, Blair, whose real name is Lisa Whelchel, has penned a load of books about parenting and playing nice as a grown-up friend.  Blair Lisa writes about being a crunchy Christian, the joy of home-schooling (I’d rather die) and hot saucing toddler tongues.  I would have preferred a tell all about bat-shit Ms. Garrett, Jo’s butch tension and what she thinks was The Facts of Life jump-the-shark episode.  Blair’s Lisa’s books are available in Spanish and are past their first editions.  WTF?

Author Stephanie Tanner, er, Jodie Sweetin

You know who else got a published?  Jodie Sweetin.  Not ringing a bell?  She was the middle sister with the bulldog under-bite on Full House.  Her tagline was “How Rude!”  In her manifesto, unSweetined: a Memoir, Jodie says that she got bored and became a meth-head, had a baby friend and a couple of marriages.  She was also the season 2 host of Pants Off Dance Off.  It’s a competition show for strippers.  How very.  I’m fruitless in finding any free way of tracking book sales, but I am jaw-dropped to learn that her book is ranked in 24, 987th in Amazon book sales, while literary masterpiece, How To Be Famous: Our Guide To Looking The Part, Playing The Press and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture, by intelligentsia Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag languishes in 823,792nd place .

Washed up has-been book pile

Full House co-star Candace Cameron wrote a book about her voluntary throw-ups.  Saved By The Bell’s Screech, pen named Dustin Diamond, wrote Behind The Bell.  Apparently he thinks that Fred Savage is a tool and Dustin has since gotten laid.  The list of TV show authors is exhausting: Danny Bonaduce, pretty much everyone from Little House on the Prairie, lots of Brady Bunch folks, Todd Bridges, Kirk Cameron, Mackenzie Phillips, and so on and so forth.  Then there are the reality celebrities who’ve gotten published, too.   And children of celebrities.  And books written from a famous person’s dog’s point of view.  Or a bod part’s point of view.

Why, God, why?  Is it because I laughed at The Facts of Life reunion spoof clip?


One Response to “Who’d a thunk it?”

  1. Laurel January 27, 2011 at 9:38 am #

    I have to say one of the 80’s has beens is a real standout. Alison Arngrim, AKA Nellie Oleson, is friggin hilarious. Her book is Confessions of a Prairie Bitch and the bits and pieces I’ve read about it and from it make me want to buy the book.

    She is also totally cool about the whole ex-Nellie thing. She gets the joke AND is nice to people who still love her because she was on Little House.

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