Gaga Hater

14 Feb

Okay, put on your eye muffs, because it may hurt  to see what is coming next.  Lady Gaga is ridiculous!  And I hate her.  That’s right, I said it.  I’m a Gaga hater.  Why?  How could I not, when it’s all just so awful.  Have you heard her invariable singing?  Rah, Rah, Rah, Rah, Rah.  Truthfully, I can’t really speak much to the singing, because it isn’t.  It’s an autotuned, monotone mess.  Have you seen those damn armadillo booties?  Plus the wigs, carnival face-painter makeup and gallons of fake blood.  Didn’t Gene Simmons cover that in the 1970s?  Glenn Danzig in the 1980s?  Marilyn Manson in the 2000s?

A bloody mess is what it is

And more recently, the Grammy thing last night?  Y o u  h a v e  g o t  t o  b e  k i d d i n g !  The pointy shoulders and the hat that was off, then on, then off, then on…The evidence is both too overwhelming and too expansive for me to catalogue here.  However, I am willing to show some exhibits that are without defense, but, of course, with comment.

Exhibit 1: What an ass

Who arrives anywhere like this?  This is some MTV My Sweet Sixteen crap right there.  Oh, the begging, nay, demand for attention!  Lady Gaga’s Creative Director, Lori Ann Gibson, said of this spectacle, “Lady Gaga is incubating.”  Then another jabber head in her team said that she was in an “embryonic stage” and wouldn’t be expelled from that egg/womb/pod thing until she reached the performing stage.  A-hem.  Let’s just step away from the whole Invasion of the Body Snatchers body cooking in a pod business and focus on the fact the Gaga has a Creative Director on her payroll.  Whatya make of that, fans?  It sounds like Lady Gaga, at the very least, pays someone to collaborate on or create her vibe. You don’t say!

Exhibit 2: Smells like a rape kit

Well, I guess we can all be thankful that Lady Gaga has skipped the sex tape phase of her rise to fame, unless you count the Alejandro video, but has jumped straight ahead to hawking a perfume.  It isn’t available  just yet, but she has inked a deal with Coty to develop her first fragrance.  And what is the scent of Gaga?  Tuberose and ylang-ylang?  Musk and amber?  What about Jasmine?  Not a chance.  Lady Gaga wants to capture the essence of blood and semen.  Marinate in that for a minute.  I can’t make this stuff up.  But Marketing and Press Directors can.


Exhibit 3: This made my heart sing

The Germans call it schadenfreude.  It is when you derive pleasure from the misfortune or downfall of others.  See those earlier referenced armadillo booties?  Dumb choice.  Or as my daughter would say, “Epic Fail!!!”  This happened in an airport.  I do get irritated by how casual travel has become.  (insert granny voice here)  People in dirty t-shirts, women in those tight terry cloth pants; it’s just awful.  When I was younger, we got dressed up to fly in an airplane.  It was an event.  It was special.  But this is a different kind of dressing up, isn’t it?  Who wears this sort of thing to walk to your gate?  Gaga’s costume designer, Zaldy Goco, should look into something more practical and less trip inducing for her client’s travel days.  Oh?  Yes, Gaga has a Costume Designer in the chink, too.  Quelle suprise!


Exhibit 4: Pleased to meat me

How funny would it have been to see her chased by feral dogs and cats while in this get up?  What is she trying to say here?  That she feels like a piece of meat?  That she’s trying to keep down some swelling?  It’s clearly not pork.  On Anderson Cooper, Gaga said that the message behind her look was that “dead meat is dead meat”.  Oh, I take it all back.  She is a genius.  Gag.  Gaga explained to Anderson that she was making a statement about the military’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.  Um, political statements are like jokes.  If you have to keep explaining the punchline, it’s not working.  I think we can agree that the idea needed to be a little more fleshed out.  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.


Exhibit 5: There aren't words

What happened to supermodels?  Why do magazines have actresses and singers on the covers, trying to pass them off as haute ‘hos?  For the love of Pete, get me an OSHA approved industrial grade ocular irrigation kit, an EpiPen and Anna Wintour on line 2, stat!  My eyes are burning!  The room is spinning, my throat is closing!!!  Aaahg!  It’s too much.


Exhibit 6: Classy at all times

Who in the hell fights with Jerry Seinfeld?

The thing about her that makes my skin crawl is that her whole thing is just so premeditated and manufactured.  Every last thing is a plan.  And not in the good Martha Stewart kind of way.

Exhibit 7: Poker face? Pearl face?

This looks like it’s going to take more than penicillin to get cleared away.  Born this way?  Are you kidding me?  She was born this way…

THIS way

…and has made calculated strides to get far, far away from how she was born.  So what does that mean for her message to her monsters for them to live authentically?  To be who they are and to embrace their identities?


6 Responses to “Gaga Hater”

  1. Anita February 14, 2011 at 9:52 am #

    I am glad I am not the only one who can’t stand her. Last night when I was watching them bring her in that egg I kept secretly hoping they would drop the egg and she would come tumbling out of it on the red carpet. Now that would have been some entertainment.

    • Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! February 14, 2011 at 10:27 am #

      When she was “being born” I had my fingers crossed that she was going to fall. Truthfully, the song was catchy, but then we googled the lyrics and they were completely dumb.

  2. Jackson February 14, 2011 at 10:47 am #

    I thought “pearl face” was a PSA about the return of small pox — “If you see someone like this, point, scream and run like hell.”

  3. jenn Weyand February 14, 2011 at 2:19 pm #

    Amen, sister. I couldn’t have said it better myself — I hope some national syndicator picks-up your sentiments and they are replicated over and over and over again until SOMEONE wakes up and smells the blood and semen. Really?

  4. Laurel February 14, 2011 at 4:33 pm #

    I concluded that she is trying too hard. Like a fourteen year old goth chic who wants to be scary.

  5. Tracy Griffith February 15, 2011 at 10:53 am #

    OMG!! I LOVE YOU CHA-CHA!! We are SO related. I HATE GAGA TOO! YAAAY!!!!
    Can you please come see me sometime? My art opening is April 7th. Bring the family. Napa getaway– why not?
    I miss my wonderful cousin who is a unique glowing gem of a girl on this stupid ass world.


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