File under Duh

16 Feb

Some super sleuths, under the guise of Master of the Obvious, have been reporting big, important news stories.  In fact, two Hollywood mysteries broke huge and were unraveled yesterday.  I think they merit a “Really?” with a dose of some side-eye thrown in while we’re at it.

Not at all exploitive or creepy

Billy Ray Cyrus’ heart has gone all achy-breaky from the direction his meal-ticket daughter, Destiny Hope a.k.a. Miley, has been taking.  Billy Ray has copped to being an ineffective parent.  Whaaa?  Shocking, I know.  The March 2011 issue of GQ features an in-depth interview with Papa Cyrus wherein he waxes sad about Miley’s downward spiral, his non-parenting that probably had a hand in it and then candidly talks about how the Hannah Montana show has devastated his family. “Oh, it’s huge—it destroyed my family. I’ll tell you right now—the damn show destroyed my family. And I sit there and go, ‘Yeah, you know what? Some gave all.’ It is my motto, and guess what? I have to eat that one. I some-gave-all’d it all right. I some-gave-all’d it while everybody else was going to the bank. It’s all sad.”  Billy Ray further contends that he has been made Miley’s fall guy by the powers that be in her career.  “Once again all them people, they all wanted me to fly out so that then when all the bad press came they could say, ‘Daddy endorsed this stuff….’ I started realizing I’m being used.”  See, Papa was a puppet.

Age 16: "Is it okay if I pay with all $1 bills?"

He also portends “For the record, to set it straight, I want to tell you: I’ve never made a dime off of Miley. You got a lot of people have made percentages off of her. I’m proud to say to this day I’ve never made one commissioned dollar, or dime, off of my daughter.”  So, if he didn’t make a dime off her, he sure as hell made a dime with her.  I mean, the SAG is a union, right?  Did they let him work for free on Hannah Montana?  No, he was paid between $12,000 and $15,000 per week. That is several dimes.  I’d take ‘em.

Did Hannah Montanna do this to Miley's brother, Trace?

Billy Ray comes off as all paranoid as he sits in a dark kitchen and rambles about being under attack by Satan and David Lynch’s role in his daughter’s ruin.  He also portrays himself as a bit of a psychic (look out Jeane Dixon’s ghost) because he predicted the downfall of Anna Nicole Smith and Michael Jackson.  I know, it’s spooky.  No one else saw those coming.  And now, Billy Ray is concerned that Miley may be a screw up on the path to Looneyville too.  Ya think?  Here is a prediction that I am going to make: Billy Ray Cyrus and Michael Lohan write a juicy book about the evil Hollywood machine that gobbled their daughters and emasculated them as fathers and husbands.  Of course, in the mean time before the book tour and press junket gets underway, Billy Ray has a youngest daughter, Noah, who needs to get working.

Walking the red carpet here, walking the street in seven years

Then there is the Charlie Sheen reveal…

Life imitates Art

Dude made a call in to The Dan Patrick Show, both yesterday morning and again today, and guess what he divulged.  Was it that he has suffered from dehydration and exhaustion from his grueling Two and a Half Men shooting schedule and it made him act all crazy-like?  That hernias are a bitch?  That sobriety is for winners?  No, no and no.  Charlie told us that he sucks on the crack pipe and swigs the booze nozzle.  Huh?  But he assured his fans that he’s professional and would never show up on any set while still crack-a-lackin’.  But after a long night of carousing, he would have the director place him next to a piece of furniture on set to prop him up.  What a pro!  Charlie also revealed that he doesn’t do sober, because it’s inauthentic to who he is.

Lindsay, being authentic

But Charlie is a giver.  This morning he had some advice for Lindsay Lohan, “Work on your impulse control … just try and think things through a little bit before you do them.”  And in his PSA from yesterday he warned that none of us should smoke crack unless we can manage it socially…like he does. WTF, for reals?

What a week for out of the blue revelations!  I wonder what’s celebrity behavior headline is going to grip me next.

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4 Responses to “File under Duh”

  1. Laurel February 16, 2011 at 10:57 pm #

    The lot of them: #trainwrecks

  2. Chris Hall February 16, 2011 at 11:24 pm #

    Charlie Sheen and Kiefer Sutherland should do a ‘hobo fight’ video late one night.

  3. katie February 17, 2011 at 7:12 am #

    Awesome blog as usual!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Charlie Sheen: winning at marketing « Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! - April 3, 2011

    […] really get a handle on it. At first I wanted to crack hardcore on it, and even lightly addressed it here. But then it started making me feel itchy and uncomfortable. I was kinda waiting to see if he […]

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