Oscar high

28 Feb

The Oscars, or as I call it “Super bowl for chicks and gay dudes”, happened last night.  Much was made in the weeks preceding about it being co-hosted by oddly matched Ann Hathaway and James Franco.  WTF?  Like his character on Freaks and Geeks, Franco looked absolutely baked out of his mind the whole time.  He pretty much disappeared for a solid hour after the opening.  I imagine while Anne was out there going it alone and slamming jello shots during commercial breaks, James was in the green room looking for some Hot Pockets to scarf down.

The actual awards themselves are not really the point for me.  When in the hell would I have seen any of the Best Short Films?  And I have absolutely no opinion about sound editing outside of movies with talking dogs or babies and kung fu flicks from the 1970s.  It’s about the clothes, the faux pas and flubs.

There was no shortage of old women to make me feel badly about how little I’ve accomplished with my temple.  Sharon Stone, Helen Mirren, Annette Bening and Marisa Tomei all had it goin’ on.  And then Celine Dion just had twins; Penelope Cruz just dropped a baby friend too.  They looked amazing.  I’m just barely scraping forty and am 9 ½ years post partum.  What is my excuse?

My favorite dress is a multi-way tie between Hilary Swank’s silver and grey glittery, feathery confection.  She may have won if she had coughed up some jewels…

Cate Blanchett’s quirky dress that reminded me of a Victorian window made out of delicious candy…

Jennifer Hudson’s tangerine pouf…

and Nicole Kidman’s Art Deco column…

Of course everything Anne Hathaway wore was super fly.  But did anyone catch her with designer Valentino on the carpet?  It was like watching Weekend at Bernie’s with a spray tan.

The most quizzical choice (I’m being nice) would have been Natalie Portman in her garnet hued Mother of the Bride moo-moo, but she IS preggers, so I’m a give her a pass.  For the most part, no one was too out there.  That disappoints me.  Gone are the days of Cher in a Bob Macke engineered acid trip or Bjork in a swan dress.  Even stalwart fashion offender Helena Bonham Carter reined it in somewhat with her black velvet saloon madame costume.  ScarJo’s Banker’s Note circa 1992 dress made me want to go take a nap.

The weirdest quip of the night happened during the ABC Red Carpet pre-show.  Actually, it’s a toss up between two actresses.  First, Whitey McWhite Girl Gwyneth Paltrow said that it’s her “dream to do a duet with Jay-Z”.  Jigga Whaaa?  Make her stop.  Really.

Then there was Halle Berry, after pointing out that she is “a woman of color”, calling herself a “slave to fashion”.  That wouldn’t be so weird but for her recent dirty laundry airing with her Baby Daddy about racial stereotyping.  Of course, there was also Melissa Leo slipping back into character with a case of the potty mouth during her acceptance speech.

Um, and I don’t even know if I’m going to hell for talking about the Kirk Douglas situation.  When I could understand him, he was charming, but there are six words that sum up the whole vibe: Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years’ Eve.  Don’t hate on me.

Overall, I probably could have gone to bed earlier and been better for it.  It was kinda boring.  Okay, it was lame.  There has got to be a happy medium between well behaved, buttoned up celebrities taking themselves too seriously, gushing about the business and Charlie Sheen giving me the creeps by flying off of his rocker in public.

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3 Responses to “Oscar high”

  1. Laurel February 28, 2011 at 9:22 am #

    I know, right? I never watch the Oscars since I, too, am only interested in the clothes and you get shots of those on the internet in pretty much real time. Plus, on the rare occasion that something interesting happens, the “good parts” are linked all over teh web. It’s like tivo for people too cheap to have it and too lazy to scroll through the rest of the show.

    Plus, the Charlie Sheen dramedy completely upstaged the Oscars this year.

  2. katie February 28, 2011 at 12:50 pm #

    I wanted to crawl into a hole and die on Gwyneth’s behalf after the Jay-Z comment. Who is she trying to kid? I was so embarassed for her. And Halle Berry is just so damn smug. Loved the W.O.C. comment followed by “slave to fashion”.

    • Michele Cox Holloman March 1, 2011 at 7:25 pm #

      I fell into oblivion after the obviously choreographed, as you say, “potty mouth” acceptance speech. A real snoozer this year.

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