Silicone sads

15 Mar

“Trying to be sexy” pretty much always works against you.  When I have tried to make the sexy face, it is about as compelling as the many faces of Weezy Jefferson after George paid for her to take some acting classes so she could keep out of Florence’s way:

"Oh, George! Come hither!"

Do you know who Orit Fox is?  No?  Known for having the most enormous fake ta-tas in Israel?  Still fuzzy?  Oh, okay, here’s a picture, if you need to see what she looks like…

Kiss me deadly

But Orit is more than just the keeper of the fun bags; she’s also a “model”.  Wink, wink.  Nudge, nudge.  Today at a super klassy photo shoot, that I am sure was for the house of Chanel, or perhaps a new Dior ad campaign, Orit was posing with a large boa constrictor.  No, not a dead one crafted into a smart pair of wedges or a fabulous slouchy hobo bag.  I’m talking about a live, mouse squeezing viper.  Orit, a professional, knew that she really needed to bring “it” if she wanted to keep getting bookings and bring sexy back.  (And really, who doesn’t?)  So she kissed the snake.  Because it’s all forbidden and phallic and…sexy?  Is snake kissing actually sexy in some cultures?  Personally, it just seems like a complicated way to get salmonella.  But not to worry, Orit was able to hypnotise the stunt snake…

Sssmitten by Orit's orbs

Unfortunately, the flashing of the bulbs must have broken the trance and confused the snake.  It sprung forth and “latched on” to one of Orit’s mams.  Once an assistant was able to successfully unhinge the snake from her breast, Orit was rushed to a nearby emergency room, where she received a tetnus shot and a smiley-face Band Aid. After all, boas aren’t venomous, they’re just dirty.  Dirty, dirty, sexy snakes.  However, this story has a sad ending.  No lie, the snake died.  Of…the suspense must be killing you…silicone poisoning.  If you don’t have trouble with night terrors or insomnia, you can see footage from the shoot here.


One Response to “Silicone sads”

  1. Laurel March 15, 2011 at 7:33 pm #

    I need eye bleach.

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