I’m just clownin’

13 Apr

If I want to make sure that Big Daddy stays up all night, there’s only one word that I need to whisper in his ear.  This same word will make the hair stand up on his head…and he rocks the bald look.  Clowns.

Pop goes the weasel

The faintest suggestion of floppy shoes, honking red noses or water squirting lapel flowers sends Greg into spasms.  But why?  Clowns are colorful, happy and funny…well, except for sad clowns painted on velvet.  They make me weep.  I have to wonder if the late 1960s and early 1970s was a time in which the culture was so saturated in all things clown that future grown men got way turned off and then eventually freaked out by them.  There was The Bozo the Clown Show, Barbara Streisand assaulting little ears with “Send in the Clowns”, Ronald McDonald hawking fast-food, jack-in-the-box toys and clown nursery themes.  There is even a DSM-IV (that’s lingo for Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for mental disorders) word for the widespread phenomenon of being terror stricken by clowns: coulrophobia.

Molesting Mexi-clown

Turns out that clowns really are creepy.  Children’s party clown, Jose Guadalupe Jimenez, was recently arrested in California for abducting a twelve year old in 2002, raping her and then molesting her in his…black passenger van.  I know, it is shocking that a van could be a crime scene.  Jimenez, whose clown name is El Tin Larin (The Voice Box), was in full garb when he nabbed his victim at a Taco Bell.  Authorities have seized his masks, costumes, shoes, puppets and balloons looking for…gulp…evidence of other diddled victims.  I could make a Bill Clinton parallel here, but I won’t stoop that low.  After all, I’m a lady.

This totally creeps me out

Criminal clowns aren’t new.  Though Pogo the Clown was certainly the most prolific real-life bad clown.   Textbook serial killer John Wayne Gacy managed to rape and murder thirty-three teenage boys in just six years, all the while dressing as alter-ego harlequin, Pogo, and contorting balloons into animals at community functions.  In a super macabre twist, Gacy made thousands of dollars painting and selling self-portraits of his Pogo persona while on death row.

It is awful

For me personally, there is a particular clown that can make my toes curl.  When I was in college, I watched It with my roommate Lisa and the two of us got completely wigged out by Pennywise the Clown.  Holy crap!  A fang-toothed, old-timey, rabid clown that lures children down sewer gutters with big, shiny balloons?  “It floats.”  Quiver.

How to book a clown

But not all scary clowns have to be fleshy and real…The Simpson’s have given me Krusty the Clown to identify with.  Krusty is disturbing because he is sort of a representation of the burnt-out, tired cynical disappointment that lurks somewhere in my soul.  Deep.  Move on, shall we?

Then there are clowns that are just, well, you be the judge…

This is their job

…dumb.

The Insane Clown Posse is a hip-hop band, I know, made up of two dorks that dress up as “wicked clowns” and bust evil rhymes about a mythological dark carnival.  I don’t know if I am more concerned that they actually have fans, or that they call the boy ones Juggalos and the girl ones Juggalettes.  Seriously?  This is like something a couple of emo twelve-year-old boys would come up with.

The joke that's not a joke

By a landslide, the weirdest clown lifestyle, outside of burying boys in your crawl space, is called Krumpin’.  Krumpers are black freestyle break-dancers who dress up in clown garb and engage in street dance offs with rival dance gangs.  I could not make this shit up.  It’s described as being dark, aggressive and mind-blowing.

Consider my mind blown.

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