Bacon is the new black

21 Apr

Bacon has got to have the best publicist and marketing team ever.  Despite being an evil red meat that’s overwhelmingly fatty, loaded with salt and usually laden with a boatload of cancer inducing nitrates… the populace has gone whole hog for bacon.  That stuff is showing up everywhere!  It used to be that the only bacon inspired thing in the market place was Bac-os; the bacon flavored gravel that dieters pour on plain baked potatoes to fake themselves out.  (It works because you end up chipping or cracking your teeth trying to eat that crap.) And of course we’ve been enjoying the plays of Francis Bacon and the cinema proliferation of Kevin Bacon for years.  But they are alone no more.  Everywhere you look you can find a slice of bacon related merchandise.  But it’s not just the savory, salty deliciousness of bacon that’s getting all the attention.  No, now you can smell it, drink it and wrap yourself in it whenever the mood strikes. When you want to smell like your favorite food from the inside out, there is now Bacon cologne.  I have a mental picture in my mind of spritzing my pulse points and then stepping out get the morning paper.  Cut the camera to me being chased up and down the street by a pack of neighborhood cats and dogs to the strains of Yakety Sax.  Perfumer, John Leydon, insists and that his unisex fragrance is very wearable and that you really have to be right up on someone to catch the bacony whiff.  Just the same, I think that I’ll stick with Chanel No. 5.

Initially I was grossed out to the max over the bastardization that is bacon vodka and then I thought about how good it would be in Bloody Mary.  Mmm, bacon.  To be fair, as of press time, I haven’t actually had a bacontini or any other bacon libation.  However, one time my friend, Jackson, made Skittles vodka.  It smelled fruity and divine, but still managed to taste nothing like a rainbow and everything like rubbing alcohol.  I have to wonder if even bacon is strong enough to bust through the isopropyl wall.  If you want to make your own bacon vodka, check the “recipe” here.  Seems like a lot of work.  I have done my time with home distillery.  Remember my Boarding School Bordeaux?  Just go to your local package store and ask for Bakon Vodka to get started in screwing your liver and your cholesterol in tandem.There is no shortage of bacon-flavored candy, either.  This seems to most likely be the brainchild of Asians, who are known for creating confections that taste like seaweed, dry fish or beans.  Candy should be sweet.  Bacon candy is wrong.  Well, except for Vosage’s “Mo’s Bacon Bar”.  Chocolate and bacon should get married.

But not all bacon fans are about taste and aroma.  For many, bacon is a look.  How else could you explain using bacon bandages?  There is something a little whimsical about covering an open wound with something that looks like slimy, raw meat.

And like any fad, fashion follows.  Pot smokers, wear hemp when they can’t fire one up.  Acid-heads like staring at the trippy patterns and colors of tie-dyed anything.  Gym rats wear those low-crotch cotton genie pants and muscle shirts out to dinner.  Unless you’re Lady Gaga, and thank God you aren’t, being a bacon lover and wearing a suit of cured meat just doesn’t work.  But how do you advertise that you love pork…

Does this bra make me look fat?


4 Responses to “Bacon is the new black”

  1. Laurel April 21, 2011 at 7:25 am #

    I need brain bleach to get the vision of the bacon bra out of my mental cache.

  2. Jackson April 21, 2011 at 3:58 pm #

    Bacon Vodka … Challenge accepted.

  3. Mo April 22, 2011 at 12:08 am #

    Throw that bra in the frying pan and start makin’ bacon!

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