Mustache lust can only end in frustration

10 May

My son is nine and for the last couple of years he has been talking about how cool it’s going to be when he is old enough to grow a mustache.  Huh?  I don’t even really know how he found out about them.  Sure, when I was a kid it was the seventies and all the best leading men had tricked out upper lips.  The most iconic ‘stache of the era probably belonged to Burt Reynolds.

Burt's Chevron moustache made every 1970s house wife swoon

Currently, mustaches seem to be relegated to rapists, hoods and Arabs.  How on earth does my child develop a desire for mouth hair based on that cross-section???  In the nineties there was a brief groover fascination with goatees, but I think it’s over now.  After many cleanly shaven years there has been a slight facial hair renaissance.  But it’s not mustaches and it’s not good.  There is the whole douche baggy facescaping thing that seems to be favored by steroid enthusiasts, Mexicans and shitty R&B vocalists…

Dork from Color Me Badd

And just very recently I have been noticing a ridiculous number of hipsters in their early twenties rocking the Zach Galifianakis look.  At first, because it’s spring, I thought there were just a lot of dudes growing out their Old South beards.

So, when the boy and I were talking about his future mustache I asked him what kind he would have.  In complete sincerity he said he wanted one that he could put wax in and curl.  I got a mental picture of Husker Du bassist Greg Norton, who rocked what I considered a serious ‘stache in the early eighties.

Totally punk rock

But that’s not what HotTub has in mind.  He wants to grow something more like this… Whaaa?  A true handlebar is going to be a problem.  The boy is blonde.  A good handlebar has got to be black.  At best he may be able to eek out a scum ‘stache like former Atlanta mayor turned ex-con, Bill Campbell.

The mustache that molested city government

Thank you Jesus, that he will never be able to grow one of these flavor savers…

I am the Walrus, koo koo kachoo

It’s called a Walrus and has served as a soup strainer for Albert Einstein, Ted Nugent, Ned Flanders and Wilford Brimley.  I’d actually be thrilled if the boy could grow one of these by the time he’s thirteen.  It would insure against any kind of sexual activity.  No one would want to go near something like that.

Of course the toothbrush mustache is also out, for obvious reasons…

Hitler exterminated the Toothbrush

After reviewing the possibilities and knowing his capability, I think that the boy’s mustache desire will only be a source of future frustration.  I can’t imagine the disappointment that will come with never being able to wear this t-shirt without it seeming ironic.

Elusive

The best bets for mustache fulfilment are going to be either this…

or this…

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4 Responses to “Mustache lust can only end in frustration”

  1. Laurel May 10, 2011 at 9:29 am #

    At least it’s Hot Tub who wants a handlebar mustache. If it was Snakebite, you would have real problems.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Enraptured with Brendan Walsh « Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! - May 20, 2011

    […] that can be named The Swoop.  I think my son could be interested in this, as I just covered his mustache envy recently.  Clearly, a lot of thought has been poured into this manscaping passion of Brendan’s […]

  2. Atlanta Comedy Club & Lounge | Laughing Skull Lounge - May 20, 2011

    […] that can be named The Swoop.  I think my son could be interested in this, as I just covered his mustache envy recently.  Clearly, a lot of thought has been poured into this manscaping passion of Brendan’s […]

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