Free to callers

17 May

Government cheese is, like, so 1982.  Which means that it’s so last century.  But it kinda made sense in a screwed up government kind of way.  There was all of this excess dairy product because of subsidies associated with the Commodity Credit Corporation, so what to do?  Well, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, right?  When you pay farmers to not sell their milk, you get cheese.  Well, actually, YOU don’t get cheese, unless you are an unwed, out of work mother with children under the age of sixteen.  But I digress.

Roll into modern times.  People now know that a diet rich in cheese, while delicious, can pose problems ranging from uncomfortable constipation to coronary disease.  (Who wants to take bets that somewhere there is a conspiracy theorist speculating there’s a right wing government plot to kill poor people?)  But people still crave free stuff.  What can we give the people that they really, really need?  Something that is essential?  What one thing can’t anyone live with out?

Meet Safelink.  What is Safelink?  Check out the commercial here:

Oh, don’t speak Spanish?  No problemo, there’s an English version too that you can watch on  Safelink is a “government supported” free cell phone for people who are already snacking on the gubment cheese in the comfort of their subsidized house.  It comes with 250 free monthly minutes, free voice mail and free texting; it’s free of contracts and it’s free of any monthly charges.  Free!  Free!  Free!

It’s only a matter of time before there will be “government supported” flat-screens and tattoo vouchers.


2 Responses to “Free to callers”

  1. storagepost May 17, 2011 at 10:55 am #

    I wonder how many of these phones are used to call in drug orders.

    • Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! May 17, 2011 at 7:45 pm #

      Oh, I’m sure it’s none. All of the commercials I have seen depict the phone being used to get calls from prospective employers, find help when a single mother is broken down in the middle of nowhere and an older lady is able to be in touch with doctors. It didn’t show any one calling their dealer, touching base with a probation officer and chatting up hookers, so that must not happen with free phones.

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