Hot Prom Queen: menopause edition

23 May

Do you mind if we dance with yo' dates?

Last week I read something that made my blood run cold.  Apparently, there is a growing faction of sad, sad people who are participating in “adult proms”.   The idea is that grown, married women and men have somehow realized that they missed something meaningful in their teen years and it’s high time they rewrite history and relive prom.  It’s known as a second chance dance.  I’d rather stab myself in the eye with a rusty fork.  Inspired by their own children’s high school dances, these middle aged desperatos are shining in a community center strewn with crepe paper garlands, balloon arches, pin lights and lime sherbet ginger-ale punch.   This movement will be translated into an unscripted show on TLC in five…four…three…two…

So why do I care?  Have I mentioned my day job?  I work at the apparel market in a wholesale showroom that specializes in Prom, Bridal, Pageant and Special Occasion costume jewelry.  Yes, I sell tiaras and scepters coated in crystals.  The entire complex is just known as “The Mart” and it is only open to the trade.  Our wholesale clients are generally focused, professional and easy to work with.  They know what they like, what sells and are pretty low maintenance.  They are in and out.  However, there are about five showrooms in The Mart that will notoriously call in passes for any jack wagon that wants to come in and sniff around.  These are people who want a retail shopping experience and think nothing of trashing displays, trying to negotiate prices and demanding your full attention.  In our showroom, we call these people Brides.  When they are under seventeen we call them prom-dates.  Mon Dieu!  What is going to happen when these two personalities meld?  You put your wedding in my prom!  You put your prom in my wedding!  Two great tastes?  Me thinks not.

Hey Dan!

The boy I was dating towards the end of my senior year in high school went to a different school than me, so I went to two different proms in 1988.  I don’t remember it being such a BFD back then.  I bought my dress off the rack less than a week before hand, a pair of died to match satin pumps at Fayva (oh yes, I did!), got my jewelry at a vintage shop in Little 5 Points and we had dinner at home.  The whole notion of a professional up-do and make-up, combined with chauffeured limousines and a dinner reservation made by someone’s mom just seemed manufactured and goofy.  But times have changed…

Prom season 2011 saw girls spending upward of a thousand of Daddy’s dollars on dress, jewelry, hair, tanning and hopefully, birth control.   And wedding garb?  I regularly talk to brides who spend between seven and ten thousand dollars just on the dress and veil.  So what happens when you have a grown woman who wants to recreate an imaginary hallmark event that has been gnawing at her for years?  She never went to her prom and her wedding was a quickie shotgun affair.  This is going to be THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF HER LIFE again!  This is keeping me up at night.  Can you imagine helping a grown woman shop for her prom jewelry?

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7 Responses to “Hot Prom Queen: menopause edition”

  1. Laurel May 23, 2011 at 8:34 am #

    No. Just. No.

  2. Biff Kabob May 23, 2011 at 8:51 am #

    Um, whatever became of guy un the prom-date photo?

    • Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! May 23, 2011 at 11:20 am #

      I think we were broken up by the time that picture was taken, but for some reason the prom date had been molly-bolted in. He is now living in Austin with his wife and they have a band. Shocker…I went out with a dude who ended up in a band (www.newromantimes.net – holla).

  3. Kristine Kinsey June 2, 2011 at 8:46 am #

    I can take this one sad step farther and tell you about a comedy show I have coming up next week called, ‘Promedy.’ One part actual comedy show, followed by an adult prom, complete with cheesy balloon arch, 80s cover band, and the crowning of prom king and queen. It will be epic in it’s tackiness… and yes, I actually bought a prom dress for this. Love your blog. The snarkiness is my favorite part. Really!

    • Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! June 21, 2011 at 9:31 am #

      Kristine, sorry for the late reply, but I have been out of the country. Or washing my hair. Washing my hair out of the country? At any rate…a Promedy? How did it turn out? Was there anyone bawling because she wasn’t crowned? Did a bucket of pig’s blood get dropped on anyone? Virginity foresaken? Who’s mom hosted the afterprom breakfast?

      • Kristine Kinsey June 22, 2011 at 9:18 am #

        Promedy was glorious, Miss Charlotte! The headliner wore a tuxedo tee shirt, and folks were decked out in all manner of prom finery. The club owner and several comics rented a limo, (white-stretch, straight out of the 80’s, natch), and we went for a pre-prom dinner, where we were strangely not met with the same level of enthusiasm younger prom-goers enjoy. I would say the looks we were getting were more the kind usually reserved for Special Olympics participants… and did I mention one of the comics was in full drag? After the nearly sold-out comedy portion of the show, the actual Prom went on until well after 3 am, and ended with the obligatory trip to the Waffle House. Although I went to Promedy with my charming husband, we were chaperoned by my Aunt Martha, so there was no chance of conceiving a prom baby souvenir, (also, I am 40, and my eggs are a bit, um… dusty).

        It was a magical evening. It took me days, (and an appt. with a massage therapist), to recover from trying to be a teenager again. It was so successful for the club, they are making it an annual event. (No pig’s blood. This time.)

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