Getting a head start on graduation

24 May

As May comes to a close there is a flurry of graduation ceremonies.  I have gotten announcements for both college and high school commencements from family members this year.  Thank God, there were no actual invitations, so that I can just look at the pictures on Facebook and hit the thumb’s up “Like” button from the comfort of my sofa.

Speaking of Facebook, there is no shortage of status updates from attendees of all sorts of graduations this spring, for instance: “I can’t believe my baby is going to be in kindergarten next year.”  A-hem.  Or, “I cried all the way through the fifth grade graduation.”  Whaaaa?  Holy shit people.  Pull it together and look at the big picture! You know what would have me bawling my eyes out?  If 13 year-old Snakebite was still in pre-k or fifth grade was going to be the ceiling of Hot Tub’s experience with school.  If everyone else moved on and my kid was on auto-repeat I’d be a shrieking mess.

At what point did celebrating finishing elementary school become, like, a thing?   Isn’t it a law that all children have to go to school until they are sixteen or something?  By that account, these “graduations” should just be called “end of the year recital” or “final singing performance”.  Graduation, really?  I don’t remember any sort of transition ceremony for anything aside from getting to “bridge” in Brownies…and that was done in a classroom with two moms and a handful of nine year-old girls.  We got colored paper napkins, two trefoil cookies and some orange Hi-C when it was over.  Has this memorializing of expected everyday accomplishments become like a participation trophy for grown-ups?  Is it so if tragedy befalls, a mother can look back and say, “Her graduation was such a special day for our family, we were so proud,”? I don’t want to minimize getting over life’s hurdles, but is plowing through pre-school really one of them?

Who does this pre-graduation graduation business mean something to?  Not the kids, really.  When Snakebite “graduated” from fifth grade she wasn’t bursting with pride that she had carried on with our rich family tradition of knowing the branches of government and being able to cypher.  She just wanted to know if she was finally getting a cell phone.  She did.

We don’t have any special end of anything coming up this month that warrants a certificate and reception.  It’s making me feel a little out of the loop.  Can I just start having graduation fetes every spring for hitting my mile stones?  Like, this year I could graduate from being a stone-cold bitch to just being an ass.

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3 Responses to “Getting a head start on graduation”

  1. Laurel May 24, 2011 at 8:34 am #

    You are singing my song. When Pirate “graduated” from Pre-K four I was befuddled. They had CAPS AND GOWNS. And a CEREMONY. Some of those kids didn’t even know all their letters yet but they had a graduation.

    I was further stunned to find that I was the only killjoy who felt this way. The other moms watching their babies “graduate” from pre-K four were weeping into their camcorders. I was just wondering if Hallmark started this horrible trend. Or maybe it was the GlamorShots people who took the pictures of the little tykes in caps and gowns, holding a “diploma.” Somebody thought, “Hey, that’s so cute! We should do that for realz!”

    • Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! May 24, 2011 at 1:33 pm #

      Does the diploma read “I’m just as good as anyone else. I am special”?

      • Laurel May 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm #

        I think the moral of the story is you should not go to graduation when you are four any more than you should go to prom when you are forty.

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