Sky Mall fuels the U.S. economy; everything is fine

13 Jul

More and more I am starting to think that this whole busted economy scare might just be a big fat lie.  Sure I keep seeing houses for sale, darkened high-rise buildings at night, abandoned construction sites and increasing unemployment percentages that all seemingly point to a problem.  However, I have also noted that everyone has a smart phone filled with Akon ringtones, huge Louis Vuitton bags, and the masses spent over 20 million dollars on seeing Zookeeper last weekend.  But the most damning evidence that we are being hoodwinked is this:  Sky Mall Magazine.

In the event that you haven’t flipped through the barf bag/instruction pocket at your seat while on an airplane, Sky Mall is THE in-flight catalog for you to pour through while your body dehydrates, your oxygen mix is wonky and you are captive at 30,000 ft.  This rag has some of the most useless unique items for sale and I think that there is a reason why you only are seeing them while you are in a metal capsule being propelled through the air.  For instance, check this out…

What happened to our garden gnome?

The Easter Island Monolith Sculptures from $350-$995  If you are trying to thwart tweaking home invaders, by confusing them as to whether they are creeping around a subdivision in the sticks or in the middle of the South Pacific Ocean, this is the lawn art for you.  The only question I can think of is whether I’ll be displaying this in the front yard, out back by the septic tank or next to the above-ground pool.  And thank you Sweet Jesus for this next item…

Three thousand dollar time saver

The Armada 20 Winder Pro $2,999.95  I just have no time on my hands anymore, because I am always burdened with having to make sure that my twenty automatic winding watches are constantly wound.  I like for my timepieces to be accurate.  Once I have this unnecessary piece at my disposal, I can’t imagine getting off of a long flight and wanting to spend my found time in this…

Jerk in a box

The Hide-Away Foot and Body Personal Infrared Sauna $499  This box for one is supposed to help boost your body’s immunity system by heating up to 107 degrees in just ten minutes.  This is not for anyone with fears about being closed in a tissue dispenser.  I am pretty sure that it is just a box with a deluxe hot lamp in it.  Think of it as a glorified Easy Bake Oven for people.  Maybe it’s just what I need after getting hassled by TSA.  After chillaxing in the hot box, I might want something cold to drink, but I may not be able to lift my arms after the infrared therapy session.  Good thing Sky Mall also offers this for sale…

If only I could find a place to set my drink

Armadillo Beverage Holder $29.95  It’s not even a koozie.  It’s made of hard, painted plastic and doesn’t do anything to maintain temperature for a cold beverage.  Why?  Why would I need this?  Maybe, the armadillo is meant to make me mindful of what my face could look like if I don’t take care of myself.  That’s when I’ll remember to order this…

A face gym

FaceTrainer by no!no! $149  Truthfully, I just want this because it makes me think of something a lucha libre wrestler would wear if she were worried about sagging skin and being fabulous.  That’s a big if.  I would have bought it yesterday if it came in pink with butterflies and starburst adornments.

This stuff is for sale because there is a demand for it.  None of these items could possibly be filed under “needs”.  That only leads me to conclude that people have scads of money that they don’t know what to with.  And you know what that means?  It means that there is clearly a surplus of disposable income.  Sky Mall is doing its part to provide tantalizing items to keep the market stimulated.  If you still aren’t convinced, I will share this with you…

Dumb, smug butler

Butler Tissue Holder $99.99  If the country was in a state of economic depression, would anyone buy this?  This nearly two feet tall resin statue is touted as function art because it holds a roll of potty paper in front, while cleverly concealing a spare roll under its hat.  Oh, and did you catch that it’s a butler?  I’d think that was klassy, if its shirt actually fit.  Also note that “he” his holding his nose, a suggestion that your poop does, in fact, stink.  Or is that the economy he smells?

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