Eden Wood has been there, done that and is retiring…at six.

14 Jul

This week the country has been introduced to newly crowned Miss South Carolina cutie, Bree Boyce.  Bree isn’t like other beauty queens; she’s like us.  Well, she was like us.  Over a span of three years, Bree kicked her own butt and dropped a whopping 112 pounds before deciding to give the scholarship circuit a try.  I’d say it worked out.  We like Bree.  She’s been fat and now she is thin, pretty and poised.  We feel inspired by Bree in her bathing suit.

Just days after some of us might be thinking that maybe, just maybe this pageant gig may not be so damaging after all, our world is now officially rocked.  News broke this that Toddlers and Tiaras staple, Eden Wood, will be hanging up her glitz gowns, folding her sashes, tucking away her flipper and retiring at the advanced age of…six.  But don’t put away the spray tan and hair falls just yet.

Did I say retire?  Well, that’s the word the news used.  Eden is really just transitioning into the next, natural phase of her life and career.  After receiving death threats in Australia while “on tour”, momager, Micki Wood, feels that it is time for Eden to point her talent in another direction.  And I quote, “Why not see if we can’t have a Hollywood contract, a reality show, a whatever; you know, a spot on a Disney program.  Why not?  It’s the American Dream.  It’s almost like her destiny.”  Mama went on to say that lots of really important people got their starts in pageants, like Oprah Winfrey.

I had always thought that the American Dream was to immigrate here, start a business, become a homeowner and not fear unwarranted police searches or seizures.  The American Dream is now having a reality show.  I feel like such a fool for not knowing this. Maybe Eden could get a show on OWN?

Looking at Eden’s legal dreamland for pedophiles website www.littleedenwood.com certainly shows that someone is working hard toward her goal.  In fact, Eden has been so busy, that I am feeling like a hack.  By the time I was six I hadn’t done squat.  But Eden is the sole subject of the book Eden Wood; From Cradle to Crown, and she has four singles available on iTunes and as ringtones.  And if that alone isn’t enough, Eden also has a special doll called the “Eden Wood Showgirl Doll”.  It has boobs and is dressed like a blonde Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls.  After shipping and handling, the darling doll only costs $30.95 and Eden will sign the next 50 orders of the limited edition effigy/MacKenzie’s voodoo doll personally.  Did you know how to sign your name when you were six?  Me neither.

The most bizarre of Little Eden’s business ventures is her affiliation with a company called Princess Canopy Beds.  Now, I don’t want to be catty, but PCB has a very poorly edited website and the blog is beyond awful.  However, I suspect that no one is going there to be amazed with explanations of powder coating and sub-strata mattress platforms technology.  They are clicking in to see creepy pictures of a gussied up Eden lounging on a trundle bed.  It’s a bit much.

Eden is available for appearances, book signings and performances.  No lie.  As described in her press releases, Eden in an internationally known pageant superstar and a rising star in the entertainment industry.  So whatever is on the horizon for Eden, I’m sure she’ll dazzle and it will be spectacular.  While you are waiting for her to headline at the Pink Pony South in twelve years, you can watch the train wreck on her website or on her Facebook page.  I know you are supposed to be thirteen to have a page, but regular rules just don’t apply to Eden.  You go girl!

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3 Responses to “Eden Wood has been there, done that and is retiring…at six.”

  1. Laurel July 14, 2011 at 10:44 am #

    Ick.

  2. Little Kiwi September 24, 2011 at 1:07 am #

    i fucking LOVE you for this

  3. aspen February 7, 2012 at 10:23 am #

    is eden comming back to do pageants ?

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