Car flair can stick it

22 Sep

More observations from the road

If Snakebite were allowed to cuss, which she is not, this is what she would have said to me on a recent road trip, “Mom, what in the hell is with all of the shit people put on their cars?”  Because I am raising her to be a lady (uh-huh) she instead asked, “What’s with all the car flair?”  Living in an area where private schools are numerous, country clubs are abundant and people like to throw money at whoever is running for office, we are used to seeing a lot of bumper stickers.  Now, I have always thought that this cleverly served a three prong purpose: first, all of the school annual fund support stickers keep meddling mothers off your back in the carpool line.  That sticker lets people know you’ve done your part and so you can move on to chatting about something more important than the school’s scholarship kitty or the endowment fund, like who’s gotten bad lip injections or where to download DSW coupons.  Secondly, “The Club” membership sticker lets potential car-jackers know that you have a mean backhand, a nine iron under the front seat and are damn near close to broke after paying tuition at aforementioned school on top of monthly dues.  That Club sticker says, “I got nothing to lose, so bring it!”  And lastly, the political campaign sticker tells state troopers that you are connected and you will likely weasel out of paying off any speeding ticket; that even pulling you over for a finger wagging is an exercise in futility.

But Snakebite pointed out all this other stuff and before I knew what was happening it seemed like every car we saw had some sort of gratuitous crap on it beyond the 1980’s Baby on Board hold over, that smug “Coexist” one or bragging rights for a seven-year old honor student.  If your seven-year old isn’t an honor student, I will pray for you.  You know when I’ll be impressed?  When that sticker says “My child graduated magna cum laude from Princeton and I didn’t have to pay a dime.”

Just gag

We were particularly struck by the silliness of the giant rear window monograms.  I admit to loving having my stuff engraved or embroidered.  My brother, Chris, thinks that this is total bourgeois behavior, but I have to disagree.  It’s practical…it’s the time-tested upper-crust version of masking tape with your name written in Sharpie.  When babies all look alike and have the same smocked outfit on in the Church nursery, it is a much more genteel way to keep up with which one is yours.  And how many times have I left a cake server somewhere and had it returned because my scrolly letters were on the handle?  Well, actually never, but it would be true if I were forgetful enough to leave it some place.  But on a car?  Why?  Doesn’t it beep when you press your key?  Isn’t your license plate really just a Government Issue personalization…and it’s metal and one of a kind, not like that die-cut plastic peel-and-stick thing.  We give this two thumbs down and a frowny face.

Aww...just precious

And then there are the stick figures…we’d seen those before, but this was a new twist.  They have been flaired further by having team logos on their tiny t-shirts.  Puh-leeease!  Dork squared.

If only my car had a lapel...

‘Member when Hollywood slobbered all over AIDS awareness and introduced us to the red lapel ribbon?  Then breast cancer awareness took it on in pink and it snowballed from there.  I really couldn’t say which color is for what group, until now.  Thanks to magnetic car ribbons with the cause written on it, I can keep up.

However, not all car flair is on the body of the car.  A lot of people like cutesy antennae ornaments like this…

Punk rock car

Then there are people who have considered the body of their car, hog or truck an actual body and have made it anatomically correct.  That’s nucking futs!  May I present the best of the best?

Hot Tub made this truck writhe in pain by administering a swift kick

They are sold under many names, but Truck Nutz is the original.  They come in array of colors, including brass and chrome.  Some brands have kinky chains attached.  Despite my kids thinking they were hilarious, they are fairly controversial.  A case is going forward to trial in South Carolina sometime this month to neuter this novelty accessory.  States like Tennessee, Florida, Virginia and Maryland have tried to have them banned in the past on the grounds of indecency.  That’s especially ironic for Florida.  Letting your truck’s sack hang is you First Amendment right for the freedom of expression.  But just to be on the safe side, I’m ordering mine in camo.

Undercover ballz

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9 Responses to “Car flair can stick it”

  1. Laurel September 22, 2011 at 12:10 pm #

    I have observed that the COEXIST sticker frequently does, in fact, coexist with as many other righteous message stickers as a person can put on the back of their 1994 Subaru.

    • Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! September 22, 2011 at 12:49 pm #

      The Coexist sticker is usually applied by a rabid “liberal” sort who is completely disgusted and intolerant of my Church going, “traditional” lifestyle. Go figure.

  2. Claire Taylor Mills September 22, 2011 at 12:25 pm #

    OH, You need to see what I’m driving. When we bought Big Girl’s car, hubby got all excited because “now we have a car to put stickers on!” He has a collection of soccer stickers, all applied. We have the college one and the private school, too. Then there’s the Kappa Alpha Theta is AWESOME, and HHI. But my personal faves are the ones Big Girl brought home from her gig at Amnesty Int’l this summer, that aren’t actually stickers made for car, i.e., they won’t come off. So, if you see the Human Rights KAT Soccer HHI car in carpool, that’s me (because I don’t have a tag yet for my real car).

    • Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! September 22, 2011 at 12:54 pm #

      Hmmm, did she leave a bag of g.o.r.p. in the glove box for you to munch on during carpool?

  3. Philip Cho September 22, 2011 at 12:42 pm #

    I’m glad we’re on the same page on “car flair”. I especially hate the big sandles and their small sandle brood. Oh, and the freakin’ Darwin fish. And when did it become commonplace to turn every car into a rolling tombstone aka “R.I.P Homey”. Sending you a Hawaiian Lei for your rearview mirror……

    • Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! September 22, 2011 at 12:53 pm #

      Well, thanks…but that means I may have to relocate my high school graduation tassels, Mardi-Gras beads (’cause I’m THAT kind of girl…hell yeah!) and I guess I can lose my scrawberry scented Christmas Tree air freshener in favor of a crown air freshener than can sit on my dash.
      We did see a version of the stick people that was Star Wars themed. Dork cubed.

  4. kathrinjapan September 22, 2011 at 9:33 pm #

    Yay!!!! HotDamnCharlotte Ann it’s been toooo long! So glad you are back to blogging, but I guess everyone gets busy (even perfectly accessorized Southern Moms drinking mint juleps all day). I have mixed feelings regarding this topic since as you know, I did own the Blik-mobile.

    Besides, I could have sworn you already had a set of those TruckNutz….

    keep it coming sista!

  5. Mags Harman September 22, 2011 at 10:03 pm #

    I personally always loved the neon yellow caution sign that suction cupped to the car windows & claimed “Baby on Board” — about enough to gag me with a goat!!!

    • Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! October 18, 2011 at 11:47 am #

      Might be fun to have caution tags for the new millennium all did up that say things like “Misdiagnosed depressive mood disorder patient on board” or “Thanks to the sucky economy, this car no longer is insured”.

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