Screw dieting

13 Jul

What do you do when Weight Watchers, Atkin’s, Cambridge, Sugar Busters, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem, Cabbage Soup, Opti-Fast, Grapefruit, South Beach, The Zone, The Lollipop Diet, eating for your blood type and ingesting tapeworms fail to get you slim? Maybe you might compliment your fad diet with some cardiovascular movement in the form of a step-class, walking in those fugly Sketchers shoes, do Pilates, swim laps or even sit on the sofa palming a shake-weight while watching Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. Californian Pauline Potter decided the best way to drop weight was to quit messing around and just plain get busy. But not at the gym, oh no. Pauline has been getting busy in the sack; a special girdered bed is the sexercise studio where she is dropping the fucking pounds.

Last year, Pauline contacted the Guinness Book of World Records to turn her 643-pound self in as the fattest living woman. Her thinking was that good old-fashioned shame would kick start her weight loss. A case of the broken/divorced heart sads led Pauline to a Big Mac enriched 10,000-calorie daily diet after her internet-found husband split in 2008 when she was unable to bond with his son. Luckily, said ex-husband, 140-pound strong man, Alex, caught scent of Pauline’s new found celebrity and came a knockin’ to see if they could get a rockin’. Alex reports that during that meeting a year ago, they “trained” six times in the first 24 hours of being together. Since then, Alex slips in 8 times a month and works out with Pauline up to 7 times in a day. Pauline and Alex report that Pauline has whittled off 98 pounds. By losing nearly a hundred big ones, she is even now able to stand on her own…which I find surprising after what bangs out to be bumping uglies every 3 hours and 42 minutes.

Alex seems to do the majority of the heavy lifting. “Even though one of Pauline’s legs weighs more than I do, we’re able to position her body to make sex enjoyable for both of us,” he says matter of factly. Reports the newly svelte 545-pound Pauline, “I can’t move much in bed, but I burn 500 calories a session –- it’s great exercise just jiggling around.” Each time they sexercise she burns 500 calories?!? How she has figured this calculation is a mystery to me. And 7 times a day? Does she just keep an antibiotic drip going to combat the constant UTIs?

Friends who have faced fertility issues have confided in me that sex kinda loses its excitement and freshness during the “ovulation cycle” each month when they have to get cookin’ as much as possible to optimize stirring their eggs in the baby gravy. They often resort to role-playing, toys and the Fredrick’s of Hollywood catalog to spice things up. I can only imagine how, after what adds up to 56 sex sessions a month, spread through only 8 days, keeping it “fresh” can be an issue in so, so very many ways. However, that Pauline is a clever minx when it comes to being appealing: “My bed is strengthened and, although I can’t buy sexy lingerie, I drape a nice sheet over me.” A nice sheet? Does that mean high thread-count, a pretty floral pattern?

If Big Daddy ever comes home with a new set of sheets for me to try on, he will most certainly not get to work out with me.

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4 Responses to “Screw dieting”

  1. Kathryn July 13, 2012 at 6:12 pm #

    Hence, why I took up spinning literally.

  2. Rob Hill July 14, 2012 at 10:35 am #

    Well, I know I just lost a few pounds. Now for a little aerobics with a toothbrush. Next time I get the urge to reach for a little between-meal snack . . . or any kind of food, come to think of it . . . this woman’s inspiring story of perserverence will surely fill me with renewd resolve and overwhelming nausea that should have me dropping pounds faster than that receptacle’s dignity, morals, standard, and I.Q. Ugh, I feel another wave of weight loss coming on.

    • Hot damn, Charlotte Ann! July 14, 2012 at 10:53 am #

      I know, right? Ms. Potter’s inspiring story is like a combination anorexia/bulemia dose. If I don’t lose my appetite and will to eat, I need only visualize Pauline and Alex huffin’, puffin’ and sweatin’ and whatever binge I manage to get through will easily chuck right back up.

  3. A.Guy July 18, 2012 at 8:17 am #

    It’s all the semen she is swallowing. It activates “cachexia” a process that melts excess fat. See this: “Obesity; Semen contains alpha 2 glycoprotein (ZAG) Could this be the cure to obesity?” at: sementherapy,com

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