Any one else catch Lara Spencer interviewing Lady Gaga on Good Morning America this morning? During the spring of 2011 I discussed Gaga’s perfume development deal here. Well, hold out your spritz wrist because it’s ready for market and the fragrance, a black tinted potion, previously reported to combine scents associated with blood and semen, is called Fame. However, I think that l’eau d’Bullshit might be more appropriate.
If I didn’t already love GMA’s Lara Spencer, I surely do after watching her keep a straight face while stifling what must have been very strong visceral urge to roll eyes, throw shade, pee herself then ultimately fall on the floor and dissolve into a puddle of snort-giggles.
For this planned interview, Ms. Gaga wore a long fuscia sheath dress, a gold-tone crown reminiscent of stalagmites sprouting from her forehead and long, pointy fingernails. Gaga’s delivery was very dour and stoic, as though discussing herself in relation to her sense of scent was of the utmost importance. While watching the interview, I felt kinship with the Long Island Medium, as I was able to visualize a teenage
Gaga Stefani Germanotta sitting in her bedroom listening to a Sisters of Mercy cassette and writing awful haiku in a black and white composition book.
Here are some of the provocative and deeply meaningful things that Gaga had to say about her new scent:
On why she chose the color black for her perfume: ”I wanted the black liquid to represent the duality of fame. The beautiful smell of it, but the dangerous evil propositions around the corner. It does spray clear. It doesn’t get on your clothes. It’s just a nice little artistic statement.”
Lara then led Gaga with a statement about how aromas and scents can lift the mood of a room and change the conclusion of the evening. As if possessed by Gloria Swanson’s dramatic, self-aware Norma Desmond character in “Sunset Boulevard”, Gaga had this to hiss out in response: “It’s quite like me, I think…I’m a good party ender. Yesss…Or a party favor. Anyone would want me to go home with them. I smell like fame.” Here, again, I think bullshit is interchangeable with fame. Even I could smell it from my sofa in Atlanta.
While gazing off into a sideways distance, Gaga leaned in, dragged her gilt metallic spiked nail finger from her neck down to her décolleté and oozed out this gem: “The fans, when they want to smell me. They say, ‘Gaga, can I smell the fame?’” Oh, puhleese! The last time anyone demanded to smell me, it was my mother when I was in high school. And it wasn’t me she wanted to smell…it was my breath. Which of course smelled like…
bullshit fame. And a freshly chewed breath mint, combined with 5 pumps of Binaca masking the feint bouquet of Mad Dog.
Gaga cautions that this Fame is a sexy fragrance; one shouldn’t even go near it unless she is hell-bent on seduction. In fact, she even warns Lara that “you should never wear it if you’re not likely to look for a lover because it is going to attract them.” It’s like heat in a bottle. Well, if that’s the case, I might just save my cash, hit up the CVS and buy some Designer Imposter fragrances instead. Those fragrances seemed to always inspire strange men to follow you with a fist full of bought flowers every time you stepped outside. I mean…same result, less bullshit. Right?
Speaking of men, Lara asked Gaga what a man should smell like. Like all women of fine breeding, Gaga said that she likes the smells of leather, tobacco, “alcoholy smells and things that smell like you’ve been in a bar being bad all night. I really like that smell.” So, stale beer, boot bottoms, ciggie butts and upchuck? Jodie Foster entertaining on a pinball machine?
She describes her hopes and dreams for her first foray into the world of perfume as, “I wanted it to be a very slutty perfume, because that is sort of the addictive nature of fame. It is that it is seductive; you want the life of the person that is famous.”
I don’t think she understands what “slutty” is. Or maybe she doesn’t understand what “seduction” is. Odds are favorable that I don’t either, but I do understand that slutty doesn’t seduce. I took Human Sexuality 201 for college credit after all. Slutty just throws itself out there for the taking with no regard for self-respect, long-term consequence or dignity. Oh, wait. So, is Gaga saying that she is slutty because she has fame? Mother Theresa was famous, but I wouldn’t necessarily call her slutty (though the late Christopher Hitchens might have disagreed)
Then things got weird-ooooo. Gaga starts talking about how sexy her Mom was when Gaga was still Stefani Germanotta. Mom apparently was a real sexpot and Daddy was down for Mom’s sexy, seductive vibe. Stephanie and her sister really enjoyed seeing their parents not being private about hugging and kissing. The End.
Ewww. My kids practically puke up their entire G.I. tract if Big Daddy touches the top of my head.
Lara then voiced over rolling footage of a “performance” from last night’s Fame perfume launch party, held at NYC’s Guggenheim Museum, where Gaga treated fans to watching her get her neck tattooed as she lazed in a giant replicated Fame perfume bottle while noodling around on her ipad.
Someone needs to call Dr. Drew stat. I caught a whiff of someone that needs to spend some time at the Pasadena Recovery Center for the next season of Celebrity Re-hab.