Tag Archives: Lady Gaga

The smell of Fame…Fame stinks

14 Sep

Any one else catch Lara Spencer interviewing Lady Gaga on Good Morning America this morning?  During the spring of 2011 I discussed Gaga’s perfume development deal here.  Well, hold out your spritz wrist because it’s ready for market and the fragrance, a black tinted potion, previously reported to combine scents associated with blood and semen, is called Fame.  However, I think that l’eau d’Bullshit might be more appropriate.

Who the #?!@ puts their bare pit front and center on a perfume ad?

If I didn’t already love GMA’s Lara Spencer, I surely do after watching her keep a straight face while stifling what must have been  very strong visceral urge to roll eyes, throw shade, pee herself then ultimately fall on the floor and dissolve into a puddle of snort-giggles.

Seriously, tell me about Fame. I won’t laugh.

For this planned interview, Ms. Gaga wore a long fuscia sheath dress, a gold-tone crown reminiscent of stalagmites sprouting from her forehead and long, pointy fingernails.  Gaga’s delivery was very dour and stoic, as though discussing herself in relation to her sense of scent was of the utmost importance.  While watching the interview, I felt kinship with the Long Island Medium, as I was able to visualize a teenage Gaga Stefani Germanotta sitting in her bedroom listening to a Sisters of Mercy cassette and writing awful haiku in a black and white composition book.

Here are some of the provocative and deeply meaningful things that Gaga had to say about her new scent:

On why she chose the color black for her perfume:  ”I wanted the black liquid to represent the duality of fame.  The beautiful smell of it, but the dangerous evil propositions around the corner.  It does spray clear.  It doesn’t get on your clothes.  It’s just a nice little artistic statement.”

Lara then led Gaga with a statement about how aromas and scents can lift the mood of a room and change the conclusion of the evening.  As if possessed by Gloria Swanson’s dramatic, self-aware Norma Desmond character in “Sunset Boulevard”, Gaga had this to hiss out in response: “It’s quite like me, I think…I’m a good party ender.  Yesss…Or a party favor.  Anyone would want me to go home with them.  I smell like fame.”  Here, again, I think bullshit is interchangeable with fame.  Even I could smell it from my sofa in Atlanta.

A load of…fame

While gazing off into a sideways distance, Gaga leaned in, dragged her gilt metallic spiked nail finger from her neck down to her décolleté and oozed out this gem: “The fans, when they want to smell me.  They say, ‘Gaga, can I smell the fame?’”  Oh, puhleese!  The last time anyone demanded to smell me, it was my mother when I was in high school.  And it wasn’t me she wanted to smell…it was my breath.  Which of course smelled like…bullshit fame.  And a freshly chewed breath mint, combined with 5 pumps of Binaca masking the feint bouquet of Mad Dog.

Gaga cautions that this Fame is a sexy fragrance; one shouldn’t even go near it unless she is hell-bent on seduction.  In fact, she even warns Lara that “you should never wear it if you’re not likely to look for a lover because it is going to attract them.”  It’s like heat in a bottle.  Well, if that’s the case, I might just save my cash, hit up the CVS and buy some Designer Imposter fragrances instead.  Those fragrances seemed to always inspire strange men to follow you with a fist full of bought flowers every time you stepped outside.  I mean…same result, less bullshit.  Right?

Someone get the vomit bucket!

Speaking of men, Lara asked Gaga what a man should smell like. Like all women of fine breeding, Gaga said that she likes the smells of leather, tobacco, “alcoholy smells and things that smell like you’ve been in a bar being bad all night.  I really like that smell.”  So, stale beer, boot bottoms, ciggie butts and upchuck?  Jodie Foster entertaining on a pinball machine?

She describes her hopes and dreams for her first foray into the world of perfume as, “I wanted it to be a very slutty perfume, because that is sort of the addictive nature of fame.  It is that it is seductive; you want the life of the person that is famous.”

I don’t think she understands what “slutty” is.  Or maybe she doesn’t understand what “seduction” is.  Odds are favorable that I don’t either, but I do understand that slutty doesn’t seduce.  I took Human Sexuality 201 for college credit after all.  Slutty just throws itself out there for the taking with no regard for self-respect, long-term consequence or dignity.  Oh, wait.  So, is Gaga saying that she is slutty because she has fame?  Mother Theresa was famous, but I wouldn’t necessarily call her slutty (though the late Christopher Hitchens might have disagreed)

Holy slutty fame!

Then things got weird-ooooo.  Gaga starts talking about how sexy her Mom was when Gaga was still Stefani Germanotta.  Mom apparently was a real sexpot and Daddy was down for Mom’s sexy, seductive vibe.  Stephanie and her sister really enjoyed seeing their parents not being private about hugging and kissing.  The End.

Ewww.  My kids practically puke up their entire G.I. tract if Big Daddy touches the top of my head.

Lara then voiced over rolling footage of a “performance” from last night’s Fame perfume launch party, held at NYC’s Guggenheim Museum, where Gaga treated fans to watching her get her neck tattooed as she lazed in a giant replicated Fame perfume bottle while noodling around on her ipad.

Thank Sweet Jesus that her hair can grow through this mess

Someone needs to call Dr. Drew stat.  I caught a whiff of someone that needs to spend some time at the Pasadena Recovery Center for the next season of Celebrity Re-hab.

Gagging on Gaga

19 Apr

Stefani Germanotta Lady Gag(a) rolled into town last night to do her thang.  Hot Damn had better stuff to do, like staying at home to wash her hair.  Because I’m never far from some sort of communicating device, I saw lots of pictures and was pummeled by the play by play on Facebook and Twitter.  Of course Gaga continued her ridiculous banter where she lovingly called fans “her little monsters”.  Personally, I have always understood calling someone a monster to be unflattering.  Aileen Wuornos; that’s a monster.  Ten year old girls with bad musical taste and newly minted gays?  Not really.  But, a case could be made…

Gaga fan let the cat INTO the closet

Known for her outlandish get-ups and performance art styling, Stefani’s Gaga’s look is cutting edge.  Of what, I am uncertain.  Just days ago, adorable “little monster” fan Angela Barnes really went for it when choosing an unconventional standout look to wear to Gaga’s Oklahoma City concert.  Feeling the pressure to dress to impress, Angela got very creative and reigned in the family kitty to inspire her costume.  Oh, wait.  Maybe inspire isn’t the right word choice.  No, no.  I think it’s sacrifice.  Yes, that’s it.  Twenty-year-old Angela mutilated kitty and streaked her face and a long coat in kitty’s blood.  She also put kitty’s liver in a makeup compact…presumably for freshening up her face at the show.  “Little Monster”?  Perfect.

In the past couple of weeks Stefani has been in the media a lot.  There is the video of her busting ass at a concert…

And she’s releasing a new single.  It’s called “Judas”.  Just in time for Easter.

Gag(a) also did a photo shoot and interview for The May cover of Harper’s Bazaar.  I don’t think I have ever rolled my eyes as often or as forcefully as I did when I read it.  Because I have gone there, you don’t have to.  You’re welcome.  In summary, interviewer Derek Blasberg asked about the new pointy horns that “sprouted” from her head and shoulders when she incubated and was reborn on the Grammy Awards show.

Horned cover girl 

“Well, first of all,” she says, “they’re not prosthetics. They’re my bones.”

Okay, so when did the bones appear?

“They’ve always been inside of me, but I have been waiting for the right time to reveal to the universe who I truly am.”

Did she will them to come out for this album?

“They come out when I’m inspired.”

Is she worried that this new look will inspire other people to “grow” similar bones?

“We all have these bones!” she says tersely. “They’re the light from inside of us.”

Errant bones that grow and shrink at will?  We have light inside of us?  Oh, crap.  My doctor has said nothing to me about this, but it could explain so much.

Stefani continues to yawn on nonsensically when she turns her focus to slighting pretty Hollywood types…

“I have never had plastic surgery, and there are many pop singers who have. I think that promoting insecurity in the form of plastic surgery is infinitely more harmful than an artistic expression related to body modification.”

Gaga says, "No".

“And how many models and actresses do you see on magazine covers who have brand-new faces and have had plastic surgery, while I myself have never had any plastic surgery? I am an artist, and I have the ability and the free will to choose the way the world will envision me.”

Wait one hot minute.  So, she has the right to alter her appearance through body modification, but no one else can?  What. A. Bitch.  But then she qualifies her stance on traditional celebrity culture for celebrities and barfed out this gem:

“Am I going to try and embrace Hollywood and assimilate to that culture?  I put my toe in that water, and it was a Kegel-exercise vaginal reaction where I clenched and had to retract immediately.”

In her final attempt at sounding provocative and meaningful,

“I’ve always wanted to be an adjective.”

Object of thirteen year old sci-fi dork fantasies

I have an adjective:  fucking ridiculous.  There.

Gaga Hater

14 Feb

Okay, put on your eye muffs, because it may hurt  to see what is coming next.  Lady Gaga is ridiculous!  And I hate her.  That’s right, I said it.  I’m a Gaga hater.  Why?  How could I not, when it’s all just so awful.  Have you heard her invariable singing?  Rah, Rah, Rah, Rah, Rah.  Truthfully, I can’t really speak much to the singing, because it isn’t.  It’s an autotuned, monotone mess.  Have you seen those damn armadillo booties?  Plus the wigs, carnival face-painter makeup and gallons of fake blood.  Didn’t Gene Simmons cover that in the 1970s?  Glenn Danzig in the 1980s?  Marilyn Manson in the 2000s?

A bloody mess is what it is

And more recently, the Grammy thing last night?  Y o u  h a v e  g o t  t o  b e  k i d d i n g !  The pointy shoulders and the hat that was off, then on, then off, then on…The evidence is both too overwhelming and too expansive for me to catalogue here.  However, I am willing to show some exhibits that are without defense, but, of course, with comment.

Exhibit 1: What an ass

Who arrives anywhere like this?  This is some MTV My Sweet Sixteen crap right there.  Oh, the begging, nay, demand for attention!  Lady Gaga’s Creative Director, Lori Ann Gibson, said of this spectacle, “Lady Gaga is incubating.”  Then another jabber head in her team said that she was in an “embryonic stage” and wouldn’t be expelled from that egg/womb/pod thing until she reached the performing stage.  A-hem.  Let’s just step away from the whole Invasion of the Body Snatchers body cooking in a pod business and focus on the fact the Gaga has a Creative Director on her payroll.  Whatya make of that, fans?  It sounds like Lady Gaga, at the very least, pays someone to collaborate on or create her vibe. You don’t say!

Exhibit 2: Smells like a rape kit

Well, I guess we can all be thankful that Lady Gaga has skipped the sex tape phase of her rise to fame, unless you count the Alejandro video, but has jumped straight ahead to hawking a perfume.  It isn’t available  just yet, but she has inked a deal with Coty to develop her first fragrance.  And what is the scent of Gaga?  Tuberose and ylang-ylang?  Musk and amber?  What about Jasmine?  Not a chance.  Lady Gaga wants to capture the essence of blood and semen.  Marinate in that for a minute.  I can’t make this stuff up.  But Marketing and Press Directors can.

 

Exhibit 3: This made my heart sing

The Germans call it schadenfreude.  It is when you derive pleasure from the misfortune or downfall of others.  See those earlier referenced armadillo booties?  Dumb choice.  Or as my daughter would say, “Epic Fail!!!”  This happened in an airport.  I do get irritated by how casual travel has become.  (insert granny voice here)  People in dirty t-shirts, women in those tight terry cloth pants; it’s just awful.  When I was younger, we got dressed up to fly in an airplane.  It was an event.  It was special.  But this is a different kind of dressing up, isn’t it?  Who wears this sort of thing to walk to your gate?  Gaga’s costume designer, Zaldy Goco, should look into something more practical and less trip inducing for her client’s travel days.  Oh?  Yes, Gaga has a Costume Designer in the chink, too.  Quelle suprise!

 

Exhibit 4: Pleased to meat me

How funny would it have been to see her chased by feral dogs and cats while in this get up?  What is she trying to say here?  That she feels like a piece of meat?  That she’s trying to keep down some swelling?  It’s clearly not pork.  On Anderson Cooper, Gaga said that the message behind her look was that “dead meat is dead meat”.  Oh, I take it all back.  She is a genius.  Gag.  Gaga explained to Anderson that she was making a statement about the military’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.  Um, political statements are like jokes.  If you have to keep explaining the punchline, it’s not working.  I think we can agree that the idea needed to be a little more fleshed out.  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

 

Exhibit 5: There aren't words

What happened to supermodels?  Why do magazines have actresses and singers on the covers, trying to pass them off as haute ‘hos?  For the love of Pete, get me an OSHA approved industrial grade ocular irrigation kit, an EpiPen and Anna Wintour on line 2, stat!  My eyes are burning!  The room is spinning, my throat is closing!!!  Aaahg!  It’s too much.

 

Exhibit 6: Classy at all times

Who in the hell fights with Jerry Seinfeld?

The thing about her that makes my skin crawl is that her whole thing is just so premeditated and manufactured.  Every last thing is a plan.  And not in the good Martha Stewart kind of way.

Exhibit 7: Poker face? Pearl face?

This looks like it’s going to take more than penicillin to get cleared away.  Born this way?  Are you kidding me?  She was born this way…

THIS way

…and has made calculated strides to get far, far away from how she was born.  So what does that mean for her message to her monsters for them to live authentically?  To be who they are and to embrace their identities?

Fraud.