Tag Archives: Miley Cyrus

Vampires in Florida…What’s up, Doc?

4 Oct


Anyone else remember when parents groups got all bunched up about the harmful societal effects that the Bugs Bunny cartoons were having on children?  This was probably around the late 1970s or early 1980s, when media rags like Psychology Today ramped up distribution and talk show host Phil Donahue was jaw-jacking through the miracle of television to Moms while they folded and ironed the laundry.  The gist was that violence in cartoons was causing aggressive behavior in pre-school tots that would later blossom into full-fledged criminal activity.  From then until now I don’t recall any news story of a teen attacking anyone with a cast-iron skillet, a moody adolescent trying to capture the object of his desire by placing an open lasso on the ground with some snacks within the circle or anything about luring children into cauldrons of boiling water to make Hasenpfeffer stew.  I have yet to receive delivery of a bomb making kit from Acme.  Of course, cats do continue trying to catch birds and chicken hawks are still breaking into hen houses.  What do I know?

Insert laugh track

However, I’ve had an unsettled feeling since that first Twilight movie, that trouble was afoot.  I was a bit off-put by how many grown women were going into full swoon over a young Robert Pattinson as misunderstood vampire, Edward Cullen.  Then another faction of women went weak in the knees for the taut Taylor Lautner as loveable werewolf, Jacob Black.  A t-shirt empire was built on whether you were on “Team Edward” or “Team Jacob”.  Ugh.  Ladies, puhlease.

Even Jacob, err Taylor, agrees with me

But it didn’t stop with housewives and their t-shirt messages.  Why not celebrate your love of all things vampire or werewolf with something less likely to shrink in the wash…though more likely to discolor and sag with time.  Enter the Twilight tattoo trend:

Someone is bringing the sexy back


Future turtleneck affecianado

If the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote inspired groups to boycott Warner Brothers cartoons, then surely the hint of pedophilia and body mutilation would have parent groups gabbing about the dangers of books and live action movies that romanticize bloodsuckers and body changers by coating them is glitter sparkles and soft fur over six pack abs.  Nope.

Unsexy undead Nosferatu...the way it should be

Maybe if the parent watchdog groups hadn’t been slacking we would have our vampire problem under control in this country.  Anyone else see this story in the news last week?  I must warn you, it’s out of Florida, so it is going to be full-frontal weird.  Panama City, Fl teen Stephanie Pistey, age 18, and four of her friends lured a 16 year-old boy to a house where he was beaten to death then dumped in a storm drain.  Oh, and the house?  It was where Stephanie was babysitting two children.  Stephanie’s explanation of why she was involved in this scene had her telling police, “Since I was like, 12 … I know this is going to be crazy, but I believe that I’m a vampire. Part of a vampire and part of a werewolf.”

Liger's cousin

Really?  A vampire in the sunshine state?  How can this be?  Then I looked at her Facebook page.  Stephanie likes blood, doesn’t read much, hates God and has atrocious spelling and grammar habits.  Her music pages included the likes of Soulja Boy, Hannah Montana, but the most revealing clue of all into her sinister psyche is an endearment to Miley Cyrus.  That. Explains. Everything.

Miley preparing to suck

File under Duh

16 Feb

Some super sleuths, under the guise of Master of the Obvious, have been reporting big, important news stories.  In fact, two Hollywood mysteries broke huge and were unraveled yesterday.  I think they merit a “Really?” with a dose of some side-eye thrown in while we’re at it.

Not at all exploitive or creepy

Billy Ray Cyrus’ heart has gone all achy-breaky from the direction his meal-ticket daughter, Destiny Hope a.k.a. Miley, has been taking.  Billy Ray has copped to being an ineffective parent.  Whaaa?  Shocking, I know.  The March 2011 issue of GQ features an in-depth interview with Papa Cyrus wherein he waxes sad about Miley’s downward spiral, his non-parenting that probably had a hand in it and then candidly talks about how the Hannah Montana show has devastated his family. “Oh, it’s huge—it destroyed my family. I’ll tell you right now—the damn show destroyed my family. And I sit there and go, ‘Yeah, you know what? Some gave all.’ It is my motto, and guess what? I have to eat that one. I some-gave-all’d it all right. I some-gave-all’d it while everybody else was going to the bank. It’s all sad.”  Billy Ray further contends that he has been made Miley’s fall guy by the powers that be in her career.  “Once again all them people, they all wanted me to fly out so that then when all the bad press came they could say, ‘Daddy endorsed this stuff….’ I started realizing I’m being used.”  See, Papa was a puppet.

Age 16: "Is it okay if I pay with all $1 bills?"

He also portends “For the record, to set it straight, I want to tell you: I’ve never made a dime off of Miley. You got a lot of people have made percentages off of her. I’m proud to say to this day I’ve never made one commissioned dollar, or dime, off of my daughter.”  So, if he didn’t make a dime off her, he sure as hell made a dime with her.  I mean, the SAG is a union, right?  Did they let him work for free on Hannah Montana?  No, he was paid between $12,000 and $15,000 per week. That is several dimes.  I’d take ‘em.

Did Hannah Montanna do this to Miley's brother, Trace?

Billy Ray comes off as all paranoid as he sits in a dark kitchen and rambles about being under attack by Satan and David Lynch’s role in his daughter’s ruin.  He also portrays himself as a bit of a psychic (look out Jeane Dixon’s ghost) because he predicted the downfall of Anna Nicole Smith and Michael Jackson.  I know, it’s spooky.  No one else saw those coming.  And now, Billy Ray is concerned that Miley may be a screw up on the path to Looneyville too.  Ya think?  Here is a prediction that I am going to make: Billy Ray Cyrus and Michael Lohan write a juicy book about the evil Hollywood machine that gobbled their daughters and emasculated them as fathers and husbands.  Of course, in the mean time before the book tour and press junket gets underway, Billy Ray has a youngest daughter, Noah, who needs to get working.

Walking the red carpet here, walking the street in seven years

Then there is the Charlie Sheen reveal…

Life imitates Art

Dude made a call in to The Dan Patrick Show, both yesterday morning and again today, and guess what he divulged.  Was it that he has suffered from dehydration and exhaustion from his grueling Two and a Half Men shooting schedule and it made him act all crazy-like?  That hernias are a bitch?  That sobriety is for winners?  No, no and no.  Charlie told us that he sucks on the crack pipe and swigs the booze nozzle.  Huh?  But he assured his fans that he’s professional and would never show up on any set while still crack-a-lackin’.  But after a long night of carousing, he would have the director place him next to a piece of furniture on set to prop him up.  What a pro!  Charlie also revealed that he doesn’t do sober, because it’s inauthentic to who he is.

Lindsay, being authentic

But Charlie is a giver.  This morning he had some advice for Lindsay Lohan, “Work on your impulse control … just try and think things through a little bit before you do them.”  And in his PSA from yesterday he warned that none of us should smoke crack unless we can manage it socially…like he does. WTF, for reals?

What a week for out of the blue revelations!  I wonder what’s celebrity behavior headline is going to grip me next.