Did anyone else notice the earth’s axis tilt yesterday from the energy flare that was generated from the slow hand-clap at the exact moment the Stodden-Hutchison separation was announced? It was validation day for all the haters who don’t believe in the ever-lasting love magic that can totally be real between a 51-years-young man and his 16-year-“old” bride. While true love may know no boundaries, sadly we have learned the hard way it has a drop-dead date.
An Official Statement was released from Courtney Stodden’s representative (Mom) confirming the worst fear of parents and pedophiles everywhere: Children will grow up and leave you, but they still expect you to oversee their responsibilities and pay for their shit.
For those of you readers who don’t speak Press Release, I have selflessly busted out my special decoder ring to expose the cloaked truth:
“After two and a half years of marriage aggressive fame-whoring, Courtney and Doug have has decided to become legally publicly separated. This is a mutual and amicable decision that they’re making together. Courtney feels her star is on the rise. As you know, Courtney was married ambitiously gave “it” up at a young age. Now, at
nineteen a legal age, she’s interested in exploring life as an unmarried single young adult boning other dudes, preferably ones who can make bank – – with the freedom to explore her independence solicit offers from the likes of Vivid Entertainment or book Club dates with Tan Mom. Doug supports Courtney 100% is living in abject fear that Courtney will spill his beans. The two will share custody of their precious pup prop, Dourtney, remain living in the same house (for now while shopping their reality show pilot*) in separate bedrooms, and Doug will be co-managing taking his finder’s fee cut from launching Courtney’s public awareness campaign.
We love each other very much Our ‘careers’ are mutually dependent at this point, want for each other’s happiness earning potential to grow, and will continue being the best of friends for life but we can no longer stomach making sexy time with one another, for obvious reasons.”
* Hot Damn’s insight: Look, the house is rented and they can’t afford to break the lease; Doug put down a deposit and all of the utilities are in his name. Courtney hasn’t had enough time to establish the required credit to rent her first studio apartment in North Hollywood yet. And besides, …it’s a hassle applying for an additional location permit and hiring more crew to film in 2 locations. Because I think we all know the MTV show will be announced in 3-2-1…
I know that I am really going to miss seeing splashy candid pictures of these two out inspiring unscripted romance and keeping it real on their private couple dates, like to the pumpkin patch….
…Celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus…
…Or just out grocery shopping on a Tuesday
But forget about my loss. I’m sure that my sadness is pale in comparison to what poor Dourtney must be going through. I can only hope that when Doug has his custodial time with Dourtney on Wednesday nights and every-other-weekend that he doesn’t downplay Dourtney’s need to be fierce at all times. Because that would be tragic.